...Missing someone you love.

The topic for this article’s musings might seem like an easy one as you consider the essence of grief work. If you are currently dealing with the loss of someone you love, you likely know the truth that missing them is a very painful thing. It is one of the first things that comes to mind for me when I think of the most difficult elements of my grief.
Perhaps this topic, more than any other, is what makes us all have a unique grief journey. My husband and I both lost the same incredible daughter when she died in 1999. But we grieve differently, in part because the level of our interactions with her when she was alive were also so very different. We miss different things, and on different levels. We both miss her, but we miss her differently.
What I am saying is that the amount of connection we have with someone, and the amount of connection we desire to have with someone will have a direct affect on how much and the way we grieve when they are gone. Whew, that’s a long sentence. I’ll rephrase it: How much we love; how much we appreciate someone; how much we interact with someone; how much we wish we could have interaction; the things we experienced; the things we never got to experience; all these things are variables which will affect how much and how often we miss our loved one.
At the beginning, when your loss is still fresh and intense, the missing you do may be more extreme. It can be constant. It can be overwhelming. Later, as time softens the grief and you become more accustomed to it, you may find the missing you do will be accented and triggered by holidays, family gatherings, birthdays and special events. It will still be difficult, but if you have a supportive environment or friends who will be there for you, you will likely be able to share & express your pain as it comes. There will be pockets of missing your dear one. There will be times of missing what you used to have or could have had now.
One illustration I have of what the experience of death is like is that it is like an amputation. Our daughter had her leg amputated because of bone cancer. Though she somewhat got used to her leg being gone, and did learn to use a prosthetic leg, her life was forever changed by the loss of her leg. At first her pain was terrible. I think of losing her like that. I have somewhat grown used to her death, but my life will never be the same. And now I get to learn to adapt and walk on, without my dear child close by.
Does it seem like your friends and family question why you talk about how much you miss your loved one? Often people just want us to not be in pain, and they think that not missing the person, or not talking about our loss will help us. Usually that is not true. I think that what we need when we grieve is the ability to be as sad as we need to be, and to express our sadness and what we miss, so that we can get more used to our “new life” and new “normal”. Find safe people to share your heart and loved one with. Often those you can share with will be people who have also experienced loss and so understand the process of grief.
Sometimes it helps to sit down and write a letter to the one who has died. I have done that on many occasions and it has been helpful. I tell Joslin what I miss about her not being here. I tell her what I appreciate about what she brought to my life. I tell her the things going on in my life and the ways I think she would have been a help to me and to this world. I tell her things about her siblings and nieces and nephew, and what they and we miss with her not being here to enjoy each other. Sometimes I find anger when I do this; anger at the pain and unfairness of life. Usually I cry some tears, which doesn’t always feel good when I am being sad, but which ultimately is a good thing as I get on the outside what is on the inside. If I try to distract myself from the pain or missing, it can work short-term. But letting the memories surface and sharing my pain is a solution that helps me emotionally, physically and often spiritually, as I am honest and ask for comfort.
So what will you do when you miss your loved one? I hope you let the memories come, and are able to let the pain be expressed. I hope you have safe people to share your loved one with and to share your grief with. I hope you are encouraged to know that those who love much, grieve much.
Our loved ones mattered to us, and still matter.
Of course we miss them.
We likely always will.

Tornados...

It’s tornado season.
Does the thought of that do anything to you?
I mean to your insides. Does it make you nervous?
If it does, I bet you’ve had a tornado come too close for comfort. Have you had the experience of having to pick up your possessions and rebuild your life after a devastating storm? Have you lost important things to the dark power of the spinning wind?
If you’ve had a run-in with a tornado, or seen what one can do, you will likely find yourself reacting to tornado watches and warnings. Do you find yourself making sure your stuff and loved ones are safe? Do you worry and fret about whether one will come in the night?
I think reaction to tornados can be similar to what it is like to deal with life after you’ve lost a loved one. You know the pain of loss. You remember how sickening it is see life spinning out of your control, and all you want to do is huddle in a safe place and hold your loved ones close. But there is only so much you can do when facing something so much bigger than you are. You do the best you can and wait for it to blow over.
But the sorrows of life can quickly remind one of the storms they have endured.
In the last week I have witnessed much pain: praying with a sobbing young father who was afraid his children were going to be taken away from him; interacting with an inmate who is facing 16 more years of prison and who wonders how he can live through it; a high school friend who has had a stroke, after watching his son battle cancer for over a year; my sister-in-law’s brother dying of cancer; a friend and his family dealing with his debilitating chronic disease; and today, learning that the husband of a friend has bone cancer… These are things which remind me of my own storms during the 2 years and 3 months our daughter fought cancer. They make me want to find that safe place and cover my head and wait for life to blow over.
I can do that if I want. And I may for a time, to regroup and get refilled so I can face my pain and the pain of those around me who are suffering.
But what I know is that there are things I need to be reminded of and things that are helpful to notice so that despair does not win when grief and pain threaten and swirl within and around.

Here are some things that help me to cope with how out-of-control life seems at times.
1) Grief is a normal, yet very personal response to loss. It is a natural process because of the loss of someone you loved. Grief is learning to live again as you adjust to your new life, and new normal.
2) Grief is very powerful. It can catch you off guard, knock you off balance, shake you to your core. It can be painful beyond words- physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. Grief reminds us how fragile life is and how vulnerable we are to loss. It can make your present life seem meaningless and take away your hope for the future. But just as when a tornado hits, grief can help you to learn what gives life meaning and what is important to you. And that is good to notice.
3) Don’t compare your grief to anyone else’s. Everyone grieves differently. Acknowledge that your loss is worthy of grief and accept that you must endure the very real feelings of sorrow.
4) Grief is very hard work and takes enormous energy. Just as cleaning up after a tornado takes a long time and will call for hard work… so grief work must be done, and no one can do it for you. Cleaning up the messes (dealing with your grief) will help you to believe that if and when more storms come, you will find the strength and courage to face whatever you need to face.
5) Effective mourning is not done alone. It is important to find understanding, nonjudgmental listeners with whom you can acknowledge your feelings and come to terms with your loss.
6) Grief is a life long process when you have lost someone to death. You must discover your way of grief, and be patient with yourself as you go. While the agonizing pain of loss diminishes over time, it’s never completely gone. Some things are irreplaceable.
7) Death may have ended your loved one’s life, but it did not end your relationship or the love you shared with them. Find ways to celebrate the love you shared and the person you loved.

I pray these things will encourage and help you, too… whether you have experienced storms, are in a storm, or one is waiting on the horizon. Sooner or later we all deal with pain and loss and grief and devastation. It’s just a matter of time.
May you find a safe place, and take good care of yourself when storms threaten and your grief spills out. If you have experienced a grief tornado I pray you will find support and comfort and help. The longer grief work waits, the harder it is to do. You cannot wait it out.