Friday, August 04, 2006

When Grief makes you self-centered…
By Jo Winkowitsch

I have been thinking about how grief makes a person self-focused and self-centered for a time. Having grief issues to deal with brings added stress to your life as you adjust to and feel the pain of your loss. You may get depressed as you experience mood swings, body aches, sleep disturbances and memory problems. If you are reading this, I am probably not telling you something you don’t know. You have likely either experienced death or observed how it has affected someone else, and know how chaotic grief can feel.
If you are the one who lost someone, you probably won’t enjoy the reality that so much around you and in you has changed. You may miss your old productive life you were comfortable with. Many people do not enjoy having to suspend what their life used to be like to learn to accept and discover their new life.
Not everyone understands. From the outside, people might see you as wallowing in your pain or as not doing what you need to do to get better. Some people might not understand that this time to care for yourself in the aftermath of death is similar to having surgery. Much like a surgery, a death morphs you into a patient who must be aware of, and careful with your mind, body, emotions, vocation and relationships. You might not understand what is happening. This can be a surprise to everyone, especially you.
Before you try to jump through hoops that others have held up for you, it is good to notice what is happening in your life (external and internal), and to ask yourself what you need right now. I believe that those times of being self-centered and self-focused are only harmful if they do not help move you down the path of recovery and acceptance of your losses. If you take the time to allow your mind, body and soul to feel and to heal, your mourning time will be more productive and will avoid the complications which come with putting off grief. It is helpful to seek the patience, (for yourself and from others), and the help you need so that you can stretch out on the couch of your life to do the rest and rehab work necessary. Hopefully you will have people in your life who will listen and encourage you to take the time you need to adjust to the blow the death has caused to your heart.
When our daughter Joslin died of cancer in 1999, I felt like I lost my best friend and my job (as caregiver). I had a very difficult time finding and accepting my new life without her. It felt like a light had been turned out in me that would never come back on. Medicine was necessary to help me get through a depression, and friends and God helped with encouragement and love. Thankfully, the light has come back on. The years since then have provided opportunities to use the times of self-focus to find peace and hope and help and joy and purpose again. If you would like additional answers to how that happened, or want to share your story please feel free to call or email me. My email is: Jowink55@milfordcable.com
Sometimes it helps to know that this is a season of adjustment and recovery, and that you will adjust and feel better in time. Bottom line, I believe we need to take special care of ourselves when we experience a death.
It is good to know that there is “A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance.” Read Ecclesiastes 3:1- 8 … and think about the seasons of your life. To everything there is a season. Even if it is a time of taking care of yourself and being self-centered for a time in doing so. I hope that you will be comforted and refreshed as you wait and heal in the recovery room of life. And I pray you will not be alone there unless you want to be.