When is it going to end?
by Jo Winkowitsch
Sad, lonely, angry, confused, guilty, bitter, rejected, helpless, afraid, worried, disappointed, resentful, jealous, inadequate, vindictive, depressed, lost, abandoned, betrayed, sorrowful, better, so-so, relieved, okay, not bad, hopeful, peaceful, reassured, thankful, secure, insecure, unloved, loved, encouraged, joyful.
Hmmm. Do I sound confused? These emotions are all a normal part of the grief journey. I wrestle more with these things on special days, and in anticipation of the holidays. I miss those who won’t be joining me for a celebration.
Do you ever wonder when the roller coaster of grief will get to the end so you can get off? Reality has set in when we come to understand that we get to ride it until the end of our lives. Death’s effects don’t go away. One of our jobs as grievers is to adjust to those effects, and find our way in our new life.
Dear reader, we each get to decide how we will spend our days. How will you deal with all the emotions and thoughts that now ride with you as a result of the loss you have experienced? It seems good to consider a few things.
There are reminders all around that Mother’s Day is close, and Father’s Day is just around the corner… If you have lost a child or a parent, these holidays likely will be more complicated and painful for you. One of our daughters has died, and on special days we miss her more as we notice the emptiness she used to fill. Although we have two living children, we think about what might have been and wonder how differently our lives would be if Joslin were here with us. We ask ourselves what our grieving hearts can do with the chronic pain of grief.
If you are a griever, I would like to encourage you today to consider what feels right for you. It may be your first Mother’s day or Father’s day without that special person who meant so much to you, or it may be your 20th, it doesn’t matter. The pain is there, isn’t it? Give yourself permission to grieve in a way that is healing and helpful. Grief follows no rules and there are many different ways to deal with it. Don’t let someone tell you what you should be feeling or what you should do. Try not to do that to yourself, either.
Many people are helped by talking about their pain, or talking about their loved one. It might be helpful for you and for those who care about you to know which days are painful for you. Perhaps taking a walk or journaling might help you. Do you want to write a letter to the one you are missing? Maybe releasing a balloon will help.
Some grievers would rather find a way to distract themselves from the finality of their loss. Their goal is just to make it through the painful days and they find ways to avoid the pain to get through it. They might want to take a mini trip away where no one knows them. They might stay home to avoid seeing happy, complete families enjoying their day together. But if you are one of the ones who just tries to make it through, remember that it is not healthy, long-term to hold back your emotions and ignore your pain.
Giving yourself permission to do what is right for you might be the best thing of all you can do for yourself. What do you think will work for you? Sometimes it is in trying something that we find out about ourselves and what we need or don’t need.
Making it through holidays and special days is an important thing to learn. This will be my 8th Mother’s Day without Joslin and I still struggle with missing her. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday she was here and it seems a lifetime ago she left. Grief has a way of messing up your sense of time.
This I do know… I will miss the girl who loved to surprise me with food I liked, and laughed at my jokes. I will miss how earnestly she sought the perfect card or gift for me. I will miss what she would have brought to our family by her strengths and personality. I will remember her as I get out the cards I saved from her over the years. I will reread the last two which she gave me during her cancer fight, the ones which speak to me of our deep relationship which is there whether she is here with me on this earth or not. I will celebrate the life we shared. I will mourn our separation. I will look forward with hope to being reunited someday. And I will hang on as I experience the ups and downs of grief… remembering that one day the ride will be over.
May God bless you mothers and fathers, you sons and daughters. I am thinking right now of those who have lost, and those who still have their special ones here with them. Hug and love those you can while you can. Today will soon be gone. May we pay attention to the important things in life.
by Jo Winkowitsch
Sad, lonely, angry, confused, guilty, bitter, rejected, helpless, afraid, worried, disappointed, resentful, jealous, inadequate, vindictive, depressed, lost, abandoned, betrayed, sorrowful, better, so-so, relieved, okay, not bad, hopeful, peaceful, reassured, thankful, secure, insecure, unloved, loved, encouraged, joyful.
Hmmm. Do I sound confused? These emotions are all a normal part of the grief journey. I wrestle more with these things on special days, and in anticipation of the holidays. I miss those who won’t be joining me for a celebration.
Do you ever wonder when the roller coaster of grief will get to the end so you can get off? Reality has set in when we come to understand that we get to ride it until the end of our lives. Death’s effects don’t go away. One of our jobs as grievers is to adjust to those effects, and find our way in our new life.
Dear reader, we each get to decide how we will spend our days. How will you deal with all the emotions and thoughts that now ride with you as a result of the loss you have experienced? It seems good to consider a few things.
There are reminders all around that Mother’s Day is close, and Father’s Day is just around the corner… If you have lost a child or a parent, these holidays likely will be more complicated and painful for you. One of our daughters has died, and on special days we miss her more as we notice the emptiness she used to fill. Although we have two living children, we think about what might have been and wonder how differently our lives would be if Joslin were here with us. We ask ourselves what our grieving hearts can do with the chronic pain of grief.
If you are a griever, I would like to encourage you today to consider what feels right for you. It may be your first Mother’s day or Father’s day without that special person who meant so much to you, or it may be your 20th, it doesn’t matter. The pain is there, isn’t it? Give yourself permission to grieve in a way that is healing and helpful. Grief follows no rules and there are many different ways to deal with it. Don’t let someone tell you what you should be feeling or what you should do. Try not to do that to yourself, either.
Many people are helped by talking about their pain, or talking about their loved one. It might be helpful for you and for those who care about you to know which days are painful for you. Perhaps taking a walk or journaling might help you. Do you want to write a letter to the one you are missing? Maybe releasing a balloon will help.
Some grievers would rather find a way to distract themselves from the finality of their loss. Their goal is just to make it through the painful days and they find ways to avoid the pain to get through it. They might want to take a mini trip away where no one knows them. They might stay home to avoid seeing happy, complete families enjoying their day together. But if you are one of the ones who just tries to make it through, remember that it is not healthy, long-term to hold back your emotions and ignore your pain.
Giving yourself permission to do what is right for you might be the best thing of all you can do for yourself. What do you think will work for you? Sometimes it is in trying something that we find out about ourselves and what we need or don’t need.
Making it through holidays and special days is an important thing to learn. This will be my 8th Mother’s Day without Joslin and I still struggle with missing her. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday she was here and it seems a lifetime ago she left. Grief has a way of messing up your sense of time.
This I do know… I will miss the girl who loved to surprise me with food I liked, and laughed at my jokes. I will miss how earnestly she sought the perfect card or gift for me. I will miss what she would have brought to our family by her strengths and personality. I will remember her as I get out the cards I saved from her over the years. I will reread the last two which she gave me during her cancer fight, the ones which speak to me of our deep relationship which is there whether she is here with me on this earth or not. I will celebrate the life we shared. I will mourn our separation. I will look forward with hope to being reunited someday. And I will hang on as I experience the ups and downs of grief… remembering that one day the ride will be over.
May God bless you mothers and fathers, you sons and daughters. I am thinking right now of those who have lost, and those who still have their special ones here with them. Hug and love those you can while you can. Today will soon be gone. May we pay attention to the important things in life.
posted by Jo Winkowitsch at 12:02 AM
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