The empty chair…
By Jo Winkowitsch
The holidays are coming. They are typically emotional times. But for those who grieve they can be even more difficult. This is true whether your loss is recent or it has been many years since you last saw your loved one’s dear face.
This will be the 8th Christmas season I have had without our daughter, Joslin, to share it with. She died in 1999, and Christmas was always a very special part of what I enjoyed with her. Even putting up the Christmas tree (which I thought of as her tree) was very difficult. I managed to do it four of the years since she’s been gone. Last year I gave Joslin’s tree to her brother and got a fiber optic tree that looks nice but doesn’t need much decorating to look pretty. That works for me right now.
We grieve because we loved and were loved. We grieve because our lives are different. We grieve because we can’t go back. We grieve because we miss the person and what they brought into our life. Grief disrupts our lives, and sometimes makes it hard to go on.
Grief is very difficult at any time of year, but at the holidays and on special days, it often seems like the grief is more intense, as you are forced to notice and acknowledge that there is an empty place where your loved one would have been. On special days there seem to be more grief triggers, and we may need more help to be able to enjoy those days. Do you know what you need? Have you considered what you can do to make the burden of grief a little easier for you and those around you?
If you have already weathered a holiday or two, you likely know what to expect and possibly even have a plan as you face the holiday season. If not, I invite you to consider what you would like to do, and how best to meet the challenges of these days.
One of the most important things to do is to realize that holidays often place emotional and physical demands on us. This is especially true if you are grieving. Take time to consider how you are doing and what would be helpful for you. Grief consumes a lot of energy and it might help for you to acknowledge this and accept your limitations and the changes that grief has made in your life.
Some people hang onto traditions and happenings they have always had, and this is okay if you are doing it because you are choosing to. This can help one feel like they have not lost everything in losing a significant person from their life. Keeping the holiday season close to how it used to be might help you as you acknowledge that life has gone on.
Here are some suggestions for things you can do to help get through the holidays. The info is taken from the book “The Empty Chair” by Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert C. De Vries.
· Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, spiritually and relationally.
· Consider how you used to celebrate the holidays and decide how you would like to celebrate them now. It is okay to make changes, and it is okay to try to have things be familiar. You get to choose, so listen to your heart as you consider what is helpful for you to do. Make a list of the things you used to enjoy and used to do, and identify what you want to keep as priorities.
· Lower your expectations and the pressures you put on yourself.
· Try to share your grief journey with people who care and understand. Talk about your deceased loved one.
· Don’t keep yourself so busy that you avoid your feelings or distract yourself from feeling what you need to feel and acknowledge.
· Take an inventory of what you lost. Write a letter to the one who has died, recalling memories and thinking about what you miss. You might even want to go out to the cemetery to read the letter out loud.
· Have a special part of the holidays to remember your loved one. Invite people to share their memories. Have a special candle lighting service. Put together photo albums. Cry. Laugh. Talk. Listen. Remember. Hope.
I pray that you will be encouraged in many ways as you navigate the holiday season and on.
Grief is not an enemy or a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being human. Grief is the cost of loving someone. “What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” Helen Keller.
By Jo Winkowitsch
The holidays are coming. They are typically emotional times. But for those who grieve they can be even more difficult. This is true whether your loss is recent or it has been many years since you last saw your loved one’s dear face.
This will be the 8th Christmas season I have had without our daughter, Joslin, to share it with. She died in 1999, and Christmas was always a very special part of what I enjoyed with her. Even putting up the Christmas tree (which I thought of as her tree) was very difficult. I managed to do it four of the years since she’s been gone. Last year I gave Joslin’s tree to her brother and got a fiber optic tree that looks nice but doesn’t need much decorating to look pretty. That works for me right now.
We grieve because we loved and were loved. We grieve because our lives are different. We grieve because we can’t go back. We grieve because we miss the person and what they brought into our life. Grief disrupts our lives, and sometimes makes it hard to go on.
Grief is very difficult at any time of year, but at the holidays and on special days, it often seems like the grief is more intense, as you are forced to notice and acknowledge that there is an empty place where your loved one would have been. On special days there seem to be more grief triggers, and we may need more help to be able to enjoy those days. Do you know what you need? Have you considered what you can do to make the burden of grief a little easier for you and those around you?
If you have already weathered a holiday or two, you likely know what to expect and possibly even have a plan as you face the holiday season. If not, I invite you to consider what you would like to do, and how best to meet the challenges of these days.
One of the most important things to do is to realize that holidays often place emotional and physical demands on us. This is especially true if you are grieving. Take time to consider how you are doing and what would be helpful for you. Grief consumes a lot of energy and it might help for you to acknowledge this and accept your limitations and the changes that grief has made in your life.
Some people hang onto traditions and happenings they have always had, and this is okay if you are doing it because you are choosing to. This can help one feel like they have not lost everything in losing a significant person from their life. Keeping the holiday season close to how it used to be might help you as you acknowledge that life has gone on.
Here are some suggestions for things you can do to help get through the holidays. The info is taken from the book “The Empty Chair” by Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert C. De Vries.
· Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, spiritually and relationally.
· Consider how you used to celebrate the holidays and decide how you would like to celebrate them now. It is okay to make changes, and it is okay to try to have things be familiar. You get to choose, so listen to your heart as you consider what is helpful for you to do. Make a list of the things you used to enjoy and used to do, and identify what you want to keep as priorities.
· Lower your expectations and the pressures you put on yourself.
· Try to share your grief journey with people who care and understand. Talk about your deceased loved one.
· Don’t keep yourself so busy that you avoid your feelings or distract yourself from feeling what you need to feel and acknowledge.
· Take an inventory of what you lost. Write a letter to the one who has died, recalling memories and thinking about what you miss. You might even want to go out to the cemetery to read the letter out loud.
· Have a special part of the holidays to remember your loved one. Invite people to share their memories. Have a special candle lighting service. Put together photo albums. Cry. Laugh. Talk. Listen. Remember. Hope.
I pray that you will be encouraged in many ways as you navigate the holiday season and on.
Grief is not an enemy or a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being human. Grief is the cost of loving someone. “What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” Helen Keller.
posted by Jo Winkowitsch at 10:48 AM
0 comments
