Good Grief… Regrettable regrets.
By Jo Winkowitsch jowink55@milfordcable.com
Regret: To feel sorry, disappointed, or distressed about something. To remember with a feeling of loss or sorrow; mourn. To feel regret: A sense of loss and longing for someone or something gone. A feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different.
It’s all my fault… If only… What if… I wish I could have… I should not have… If only you could turn the clock back. Especially in dealing with death, regrets are a normal/difficult part of mourning and adjusting to life without your loved one. Regrets are usually perceived as mistakes, because we wish the final outcome could be different. What could have been and what we can’t know for sure will always be in the back of our minds as we try to sort out life. This article is about the reality of regrets and how we can live with regrets.
Death severs interactions with people, and quite often that occurs long before we’re ready to stop talking. Too frequently we haven’t had a chance to do or say all we would have done if we had known the death would occur. Unspoken good-byes, unexpressed love, unhealed hurts, unresolved issues all can bind up a person so that grief is complicated and difficult to maneuver.
One of the most regrettable things about regrets is that you cannot go back and change what occurred. Perhaps that is one of the reasons why they can so greatly hurt and depress us. The harder we judge ourselves, the more difficult it is to deal with our regrets. Regrets have such great power because we do care about people and we do care about what we could have said or done. Regrets can be about love unexpressed, anger unresolved, or a relationship unfilled. Regrets can distract you from the reality of what happened, and your sadness at the death. There can be intense grief and pain at the losses which are permanent and irreversible. Behind regrets we can often find feelings of helplessness, guilt, shame, hopelessness, abandonment, and devastation. Focusing on our regrets may be an unconscious way to avoid feeling those deeper feelings.
If our regrets feel like heavy burdens, we know that we haven’t adequately worked through the emotions that are associated with past experiences. Having regrets can be a way we refuse to let go of something. They can be a reminder of our mistakes and failings, or they can serve as a reminder to find the lessons available in what we have done so we do not repeat mistakes. Unresolved, they can lead to shame and guilt which can have damaging effects on physical and mental well-being.
There are two main kinds of regrets.
1) Regrets for your actual actions and interactions. If you are sad and feel guilty because of actions you took that you now regret, you need to acknowledge to yourself that you are sorry for what you did and then find a way to forgive yourself.
2) Regrets because of things which did not occur. If you are sad for inaction, the emotion is not guilt really, but grief. Your job is to feel the pain of what could have been, and that you now wish might have been. You need to grieve the “what is” of what happened.
Here are some steps which many have found helpful in accepting and dealing with regrets:
1) Acknowledge your faults. Accepting responsibility for your actions can be quite empowering. If there was something you really did fail at, acknowledge it and feel the pain of that. But be sure to work to forgive yourself. You do not have to bear the burden of regrets your whole life.
2) Find meaning in your regrets. Look for what you can learn as you look at your life and relationships.
3) Examine whether your expectations of yourself are realistic or not. For example, one of the regrets I have had to let go of was that I, as a mother, did not/could not protect or rescue my daughter from cancer or its effects. Some things really are out of our control, and though we can regret things were not different, it helps to come to understand what our abilities and responsibilities are. Exposing your regrets to yourself and to God and to other people helps you have the best chance to resolve and work through their effects on your life and heart.
Find someone you can confess your regrets to as you feel the pain of wishing and of losses.
Perhaps you may find it helpful to write a letter to your deceased loved one. Describe the things you regret, and express your love and pain. If you have words you didn’t get to express to your loved one before they died, write them out. Address unresolved issues in your relationship with them. When you have done this, write a letter to yourself stating all the things you wish you had done and wish you had not done. Express your pain… get it all out… and then, with God’s help… forgive yourself. If you had known to do something different, would you have? Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Forgive the deceased for not being perfect. Knowing now what you know, do you have things you wish you could change? Acknowledge these things and realize you cannot go back. Grieve that and choose to go on with life a changed person.
No matter why we have regrets, it is helpful to be reminded that our regrets can serve a good purpose in helping us to look at our current life and relationships and notice what needs to change. Regrets can be motivational and instructional. Are there things you want to do or say? Then say and do them. Are there things you need to acknowledge and repent of in relationship with others? Then make changes and be reconciled with people. Let your regrets fuel and empower you to live life differently from here out. In that way, you will find good coming out of your regrets, and can begin to see how God can use what you have experienced to bring blessings to you and to those you love. Looking to the future can be difficult when you are caught up in the pain of the past, but as sadness and guilt and regrets are worked through, there is usually a hope for the future which comes as time passes.
And hope for the future is what I wish for you, dear reader.
If you are feeling regrets today, find a way to deal with them so you don’t have to bear the burden of them the rest of your life. I hope it helps for you to know that most people have regrets when their loved one dies. No matter what you did or did not do, your life can be changed and motivated by your regrets to live differently. Look at what you want to do and say today to those who matter to you, so there will be fewer regrets if death should appear again. I pray you will find a way to allow your regrets to change you for the good. Let us live fully present to today, making the most of the time we all have available to live and to love.
By Jo Winkowitsch jowink55@milfordcable.com
Regret: To feel sorry, disappointed, or distressed about something. To remember with a feeling of loss or sorrow; mourn. To feel regret: A sense of loss and longing for someone or something gone. A feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different.
It’s all my fault… If only… What if… I wish I could have… I should not have… If only you could turn the clock back. Especially in dealing with death, regrets are a normal/difficult part of mourning and adjusting to life without your loved one. Regrets are usually perceived as mistakes, because we wish the final outcome could be different. What could have been and what we can’t know for sure will always be in the back of our minds as we try to sort out life. This article is about the reality of regrets and how we can live with regrets.
Death severs interactions with people, and quite often that occurs long before we’re ready to stop talking. Too frequently we haven’t had a chance to do or say all we would have done if we had known the death would occur. Unspoken good-byes, unexpressed love, unhealed hurts, unresolved issues all can bind up a person so that grief is complicated and difficult to maneuver.
One of the most regrettable things about regrets is that you cannot go back and change what occurred. Perhaps that is one of the reasons why they can so greatly hurt and depress us. The harder we judge ourselves, the more difficult it is to deal with our regrets. Regrets have such great power because we do care about people and we do care about what we could have said or done. Regrets can be about love unexpressed, anger unresolved, or a relationship unfilled. Regrets can distract you from the reality of what happened, and your sadness at the death. There can be intense grief and pain at the losses which are permanent and irreversible. Behind regrets we can often find feelings of helplessness, guilt, shame, hopelessness, abandonment, and devastation. Focusing on our regrets may be an unconscious way to avoid feeling those deeper feelings.
If our regrets feel like heavy burdens, we know that we haven’t adequately worked through the emotions that are associated with past experiences. Having regrets can be a way we refuse to let go of something. They can be a reminder of our mistakes and failings, or they can serve as a reminder to find the lessons available in what we have done so we do not repeat mistakes. Unresolved, they can lead to shame and guilt which can have damaging effects on physical and mental well-being.
There are two main kinds of regrets.
1) Regrets for your actual actions and interactions. If you are sad and feel guilty because of actions you took that you now regret, you need to acknowledge to yourself that you are sorry for what you did and then find a way to forgive yourself.
2) Regrets because of things which did not occur. If you are sad for inaction, the emotion is not guilt really, but grief. Your job is to feel the pain of what could have been, and that you now wish might have been. You need to grieve the “what is” of what happened.
Here are some steps which many have found helpful in accepting and dealing with regrets:
1) Acknowledge your faults. Accepting responsibility for your actions can be quite empowering. If there was something you really did fail at, acknowledge it and feel the pain of that. But be sure to work to forgive yourself. You do not have to bear the burden of regrets your whole life.
2) Find meaning in your regrets. Look for what you can learn as you look at your life and relationships.
3) Examine whether your expectations of yourself are realistic or not. For example, one of the regrets I have had to let go of was that I, as a mother, did not/could not protect or rescue my daughter from cancer or its effects. Some things really are out of our control, and though we can regret things were not different, it helps to come to understand what our abilities and responsibilities are. Exposing your regrets to yourself and to God and to other people helps you have the best chance to resolve and work through their effects on your life and heart.
Find someone you can confess your regrets to as you feel the pain of wishing and of losses.
Perhaps you may find it helpful to write a letter to your deceased loved one. Describe the things you regret, and express your love and pain. If you have words you didn’t get to express to your loved one before they died, write them out. Address unresolved issues in your relationship with them. When you have done this, write a letter to yourself stating all the things you wish you had done and wish you had not done. Express your pain… get it all out… and then, with God’s help… forgive yourself. If you had known to do something different, would you have? Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Forgive the deceased for not being perfect. Knowing now what you know, do you have things you wish you could change? Acknowledge these things and realize you cannot go back. Grieve that and choose to go on with life a changed person.
No matter why we have regrets, it is helpful to be reminded that our regrets can serve a good purpose in helping us to look at our current life and relationships and notice what needs to change. Regrets can be motivational and instructional. Are there things you want to do or say? Then say and do them. Are there things you need to acknowledge and repent of in relationship with others? Then make changes and be reconciled with people. Let your regrets fuel and empower you to live life differently from here out. In that way, you will find good coming out of your regrets, and can begin to see how God can use what you have experienced to bring blessings to you and to those you love. Looking to the future can be difficult when you are caught up in the pain of the past, but as sadness and guilt and regrets are worked through, there is usually a hope for the future which comes as time passes.
And hope for the future is what I wish for you, dear reader.
If you are feeling regrets today, find a way to deal with them so you don’t have to bear the burden of them the rest of your life. I hope it helps for you to know that most people have regrets when their loved one dies. No matter what you did or did not do, your life can be changed and motivated by your regrets to live differently. Look at what you want to do and say today to those who matter to you, so there will be fewer regrets if death should appear again. I pray you will find a way to allow your regrets to change you for the good. Let us live fully present to today, making the most of the time we all have available to live and to love.
posted by Jo Winkowitsch at 1:09 PM
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