Good Grief...
When helpful words are not helpful…
by Jo Winkowitsch
One of the things we talk about at our bereaved parent support group is the issue of helpful and non-helpful things which are often said to a grieving person. Please receive the thoughts here as some responses to caring attempts to relieve pain... atttempts which unwittingly may add to the confusion or discomfort of the griever.
I believe that our society suffers from a severe lack of death education. What seemed to worked years ago, (just forget it and go on with your life, don’t talk about it, make the pain go away)… clearly does not work, long-term. Death is a difficult subject, and it is usually only when we are faced with a loss of our own do we want to read about it, hear about it and learn about dealing with death and what the grief experience is like.
When death occurs, often the first thought of many is to try to provide quick comfort and to diminish the pain of the grieving person. Of course, when you care about someone, it hurts to see them hurting. Grievers do need the love and comfort of others to help them get through the shock and awfulness of losing a loved one. But, they do not need to be “fixed”. They do not need to be rescued from their pain… pain is part of the grieving process.
While it is true, in my opinion, that my daughter is in a “better place” and that it is good she is no longer suffering… the reality is, she is not here with us and that is often a very difficult and painful thing to deal with. While I am glad for Joslin, I am sad for all of us who get to miss her.
Clichés, (trite and commonplace expressions) are often misunderstood, misused, and overworked. They too often express how the consoler thinks the bereaved person “should” feel, and usually are in direct contradiction to how the bereaved person really feels.
"You should be over this by now” is possibly one of the most offensive and destructive of all clichés, because it is usually said long before the full effect of the loss has even begun to sink in, and it causes the bereaved person to think that there must be something terribly wrong with them if they are still grieving.
“God never gives us more than we can handle” is a Bible verse which is taken out of context and is horribly damaging to someone who feels like they have more than they can handle. The verse is really about dealing with temptation… see 1 Cor. 10:13.
“Time will heal” sounds so easy and it is usually true that time will allow the griever to become more adjusted to the loss of their loved one, but in the beginning it is hard for any bereaved person to believe that the unbearable pain will ever stop.
Clichés can be hurtful and harmful. These misunderstandings and miscommunications can greatly inhibit the grief process. Some clichés can make you feel abnormal, maladjusted, or even unholy.
But please don’t think I am saying it is best to do nothing. Here are some ideas for some helpful things to do or say: ask questions about their pain; tell the griever you would love to hear more about their departed loved one; listen well with your mind and heart focused on understanding the other person’s experience; and especially share the hope you have that they will adjust and learn to cope with their “new life”.
Some other things to say: *I’m sorry. *I’m so sad for your loss. *I know this must be terribly hard for you. *Can I mow your lawn? *I feel terrible and I don’t know what to say. *I’m here, and I want to listen. Tell me about your experience and feelings. *Talk as long as you want. I have plenty of time. *I am available on Monday or Tuesday and would love to come over and help you around the house or take you out for awhile.
Note- You don’t have to say anything at all—just be there.
There are also non-helpful things to do or say. Some of these, in my opinion would be: taking care of the griever, long-term, in doing for them what they need to do; sharing Bible verses or clichés to try to take away the pain of their loss; telling the griever that you know just how they feel without hearing their whole story; or “shoulding” the griever by telling them what they should or should not do.
What not to say: *It’s all happened for the best. *Be strong for the rest of your family. *You’re young. You can have another child. *God needed him/her more. *Having your baby only a few hours is easier to deal with than if you had gotten to know them. *Now you’ll have an angel in heaven. *Only the good die young. *You’re better off having this happen now, as your loved one likely would have experienced pain and trouble in life. *Call me if you need anything. *I know just what you are feeling. *It was God’s will. *This was God’s way of saying there was something wrong in your life. *You should just feel lucky that… (fill in the blank) …you have other children…he/she lived as long as they did… *Forget it. Put it behind you and get on with your life.
When non-helpful things are said, often the griever is either unable to sort out whether it is true or not, or they react and do not feel the freedom to honestly respond. Some, who are further out from their initial loss might be able to ask questions and interact better, but the best thing is for everyone to think about what they are saying and why.
Throughout life we will take turns being comforted and being a comforter. It is good to notice what makes us feel comforted, understood and loved so that when it is our turn to comfort we will be able to really help. Hopefully our grief experience will help us improve in wisdom and understanding so that we may become a better comforter to others.
Remember, we cannot walk in someone else’s shoes… we can only walk beside them.
When helpful words are not helpful…
by Jo Winkowitsch
One of the things we talk about at our bereaved parent support group is the issue of helpful and non-helpful things which are often said to a grieving person. Please receive the thoughts here as some responses to caring attempts to relieve pain... atttempts which unwittingly may add to the confusion or discomfort of the griever.
I believe that our society suffers from a severe lack of death education. What seemed to worked years ago, (just forget it and go on with your life, don’t talk about it, make the pain go away)… clearly does not work, long-term. Death is a difficult subject, and it is usually only when we are faced with a loss of our own do we want to read about it, hear about it and learn about dealing with death and what the grief experience is like.
When death occurs, often the first thought of many is to try to provide quick comfort and to diminish the pain of the grieving person. Of course, when you care about someone, it hurts to see them hurting. Grievers do need the love and comfort of others to help them get through the shock and awfulness of losing a loved one. But, they do not need to be “fixed”. They do not need to be rescued from their pain… pain is part of the grieving process.
While it is true, in my opinion, that my daughter is in a “better place” and that it is good she is no longer suffering… the reality is, she is not here with us and that is often a very difficult and painful thing to deal with. While I am glad for Joslin, I am sad for all of us who get to miss her.
Clichés, (trite and commonplace expressions) are often misunderstood, misused, and overworked. They too often express how the consoler thinks the bereaved person “should” feel, and usually are in direct contradiction to how the bereaved person really feels.
"You should be over this by now” is possibly one of the most offensive and destructive of all clichés, because it is usually said long before the full effect of the loss has even begun to sink in, and it causes the bereaved person to think that there must be something terribly wrong with them if they are still grieving.
“God never gives us more than we can handle” is a Bible verse which is taken out of context and is horribly damaging to someone who feels like they have more than they can handle. The verse is really about dealing with temptation… see 1 Cor. 10:13.
“Time will heal” sounds so easy and it is usually true that time will allow the griever to become more adjusted to the loss of their loved one, but in the beginning it is hard for any bereaved person to believe that the unbearable pain will ever stop.
Clichés can be hurtful and harmful. These misunderstandings and miscommunications can greatly inhibit the grief process. Some clichés can make you feel abnormal, maladjusted, or even unholy.
But please don’t think I am saying it is best to do nothing. Here are some ideas for some helpful things to do or say: ask questions about their pain; tell the griever you would love to hear more about their departed loved one; listen well with your mind and heart focused on understanding the other person’s experience; and especially share the hope you have that they will adjust and learn to cope with their “new life”.
Some other things to say: *I’m sorry. *I’m so sad for your loss. *I know this must be terribly hard for you. *Can I mow your lawn? *I feel terrible and I don’t know what to say. *I’m here, and I want to listen. Tell me about your experience and feelings. *Talk as long as you want. I have plenty of time. *I am available on Monday or Tuesday and would love to come over and help you around the house or take you out for awhile.
Note- You don’t have to say anything at all—just be there.
There are also non-helpful things to do or say. Some of these, in my opinion would be: taking care of the griever, long-term, in doing for them what they need to do; sharing Bible verses or clichés to try to take away the pain of their loss; telling the griever that you know just how they feel without hearing their whole story; or “shoulding” the griever by telling them what they should or should not do.
What not to say: *It’s all happened for the best. *Be strong for the rest of your family. *You’re young. You can have another child. *God needed him/her more. *Having your baby only a few hours is easier to deal with than if you had gotten to know them. *Now you’ll have an angel in heaven. *Only the good die young. *You’re better off having this happen now, as your loved one likely would have experienced pain and trouble in life. *Call me if you need anything. *I know just what you are feeling. *It was God’s will. *This was God’s way of saying there was something wrong in your life. *You should just feel lucky that… (fill in the blank) …you have other children…he/she lived as long as they did… *Forget it. Put it behind you and get on with your life.
When non-helpful things are said, often the griever is either unable to sort out whether it is true or not, or they react and do not feel the freedom to honestly respond. Some, who are further out from their initial loss might be able to ask questions and interact better, but the best thing is for everyone to think about what they are saying and why.
Throughout life we will take turns being comforted and being a comforter. It is good to notice what makes us feel comforted, understood and loved so that when it is our turn to comfort we will be able to really help. Hopefully our grief experience will help us improve in wisdom and understanding so that we may become a better comforter to others.
Remember, we cannot walk in someone else’s shoes… we can only walk beside them.
posted by Jo Winkowitsch at 12:37 PM
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