...Missing someone you love.
The topic for this article’s musings might seem like an easy one as you consider the essence of grief work. If you are currently dealing with the loss of someone you love, you likely know the truth that missing them is a very painful thing. It is one of the first things that comes to mind for me when I think of the most difficult elements of my grief.
Perhaps this topic, more than any other, is what makes us all have a unique grief journey. My husband and I both lost the same incredible daughter when she died in 1999. But we grieve differently, in part because the level of our interactions with her when she was alive were also so very different. We miss different things, and on different levels. We both miss her, but we miss her differently.
What I am saying is that the amount of connection we have with someone, and the amount of connection we desire to have with someone will have a direct affect on how much and the way we grieve when they are gone. Whew, that’s a long sentence. I’ll rephrase it: How much we love; how much we appreciate someone; how much we interact with someone; how much we wish we could have interaction; the things we experienced; the things we never got to experience; all these things are variables which will affect how much and how often we miss our loved one.
At the beginning, when your loss is still fresh and intense, the missing you do may be more extreme. It can be constant. It can be overwhelming. Later, as time softens the grief and you become more accustomed to it, you may find the missing you do will be accented and triggered by holidays, family gatherings, birthdays and special events. It will still be difficult, but if you have a supportive environment or friends who will be there for you, you will likely be able to share & express your pain as it comes. There will be pockets of missing your dear one. There will be times of missing what you used to have or could have had now.
One illustration I have of what the experience of death is like is that it is like an amputation. Our daughter had her leg amputated because of bone cancer. Though she somewhat got used to her leg being gone, and did learn to use a prosthetic leg, her life was forever changed by the loss of her leg. At first her pain was terrible. I think of losing her like that. I have somewhat grown used to her death, but my life will never be the same. And now I get to learn to adapt and walk on, without my dear child close by.
Does it seem like your friends and family question why you talk about how much you miss your loved one? Often people just want us to not be in pain, and they think that not missing the person, or not talking about our loss will help us. Usually that is not true. I think that what we need when we grieve is the ability to be as sad as we need to be, and to express our sadness and what we miss, so that we can get more used to our “new life” and new “normal”. Find safe people to share your heart and loved one with. Often those you can share with will be people who have also experienced loss and so understand the process of grief.
Sometimes it helps to sit down and write a letter to the one who has died. I have done that on many occasions and it has been helpful. I tell Joslin what I miss about her not being here. I tell her what I appreciate about what she brought to my life. I tell her the things going on in my life and the ways I think she would have been a help to me and to this world. I tell her things about her siblings and nieces and nephew, and what they and we miss with her not being here to enjoy each other. Sometimes I find anger when I do this; anger at the pain and unfairness of life. Usually I cry some tears, which doesn’t always feel good when I am being sad, but which ultimately is a good thing as I get on the outside what is on the inside. If I try to distract myself from the pain or missing, it can work short-term. But letting the memories surface and sharing my pain is a solution that helps me emotionally, physically and often spiritually, as I am honest and ask for comfort.
So what will you do when you miss your loved one? I hope you let the memories come, and are able to let the pain be expressed. I hope you have safe people to share your loved one with and to share your grief with. I hope you are encouraged to know that those who love much, grieve much.
Our loved ones mattered to us, and still matter.
Of course we miss them.
We likely always will.
The topic for this article’s musings might seem like an easy one as you consider the essence of grief work. If you are currently dealing with the loss of someone you love, you likely know the truth that missing them is a very painful thing. It is one of the first things that comes to mind for me when I think of the most difficult elements of my grief.
Perhaps this topic, more than any other, is what makes us all have a unique grief journey. My husband and I both lost the same incredible daughter when she died in 1999. But we grieve differently, in part because the level of our interactions with her when she was alive were also so very different. We miss different things, and on different levels. We both miss her, but we miss her differently.
What I am saying is that the amount of connection we have with someone, and the amount of connection we desire to have with someone will have a direct affect on how much and the way we grieve when they are gone. Whew, that’s a long sentence. I’ll rephrase it: How much we love; how much we appreciate someone; how much we interact with someone; how much we wish we could have interaction; the things we experienced; the things we never got to experience; all these things are variables which will affect how much and how often we miss our loved one.
At the beginning, when your loss is still fresh and intense, the missing you do may be more extreme. It can be constant. It can be overwhelming. Later, as time softens the grief and you become more accustomed to it, you may find the missing you do will be accented and triggered by holidays, family gatherings, birthdays and special events. It will still be difficult, but if you have a supportive environment or friends who will be there for you, you will likely be able to share & express your pain as it comes. There will be pockets of missing your dear one. There will be times of missing what you used to have or could have had now.
One illustration I have of what the experience of death is like is that it is like an amputation. Our daughter had her leg amputated because of bone cancer. Though she somewhat got used to her leg being gone, and did learn to use a prosthetic leg, her life was forever changed by the loss of her leg. At first her pain was terrible. I think of losing her like that. I have somewhat grown used to her death, but my life will never be the same. And now I get to learn to adapt and walk on, without my dear child close by.
Does it seem like your friends and family question why you talk about how much you miss your loved one? Often people just want us to not be in pain, and they think that not missing the person, or not talking about our loss will help us. Usually that is not true. I think that what we need when we grieve is the ability to be as sad as we need to be, and to express our sadness and what we miss, so that we can get more used to our “new life” and new “normal”. Find safe people to share your heart and loved one with. Often those you can share with will be people who have also experienced loss and so understand the process of grief.
Sometimes it helps to sit down and write a letter to the one who has died. I have done that on many occasions and it has been helpful. I tell Joslin what I miss about her not being here. I tell her what I appreciate about what she brought to my life. I tell her the things going on in my life and the ways I think she would have been a help to me and to this world. I tell her things about her siblings and nieces and nephew, and what they and we miss with her not being here to enjoy each other. Sometimes I find anger when I do this; anger at the pain and unfairness of life. Usually I cry some tears, which doesn’t always feel good when I am being sad, but which ultimately is a good thing as I get on the outside what is on the inside. If I try to distract myself from the pain or missing, it can work short-term. But letting the memories surface and sharing my pain is a solution that helps me emotionally, physically and often spiritually, as I am honest and ask for comfort.
So what will you do when you miss your loved one? I hope you let the memories come, and are able to let the pain be expressed. I hope you have safe people to share your loved one with and to share your grief with. I hope you are encouraged to know that those who love much, grieve much.
Our loved ones mattered to us, and still matter.
Of course we miss them.
We likely always will.
posted by Jo Winkowitsch at 12:37 AM
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