Tornados...
It’s tornado season.
Does the thought of that do anything to you?
I mean to your insides. Does it make you nervous?
If it does, I bet you’ve had a tornado come too close for comfort. Have you had the experience of having to pick up your possessions and rebuild your life after a devastating storm? Have you lost important things to the dark power of the spinning wind?
If you’ve had a run-in with a tornado, or seen what one can do, you will likely find yourself reacting to tornado watches and warnings. Do you find yourself making sure your stuff and loved ones are safe? Do you worry and fret about whether one will come in the night?
I think reaction to tornados can be similar to what it is like to deal with life after you’ve lost a loved one. You know the pain of loss. You remember how sickening it is see life spinning out of your control, and all you want to do is huddle in a safe place and hold your loved ones close. But there is only so much you can do when facing something so much bigger than you are. You do the best you can and wait for it to blow over.
But the sorrows of life can quickly remind one of the storms they have endured.
In the last week I have witnessed much pain: praying with a sobbing young father who was afraid his children were going to be taken away from him; interacting with an inmate who is facing 16 more years of prison and who wonders how he can live through it; a high school friend who has had a stroke, after watching his son battle cancer for over a year; my sister-in-law’s brother dying of cancer; a friend and his family dealing with his debilitating chronic disease; and today, learning that the husband of a friend has bone cancer… These are things which remind me of my own storms during the 2 years and 3 months our daughter fought cancer. They make me want to find that safe place and cover my head and wait for life to blow over.
I can do that if I want. And I may for a time, to regroup and get refilled so I can face my pain and the pain of those around me who are suffering.
But what I know is that there are things I need to be reminded of and things that are helpful to notice so that despair does not win when grief and pain threaten and swirl within and around.
Here are some things that help me to cope with how out-of-control life seems at times.
1) Grief is a normal, yet very personal response to loss. It is a natural process because of the loss of someone you loved. Grief is learning to live again as you adjust to your new life, and new normal.
2) Grief is very powerful. It can catch you off guard, knock you off balance, shake you to your core. It can be painful beyond words- physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. Grief reminds us how fragile life is and how vulnerable we are to loss. It can make your present life seem meaningless and take away your hope for the future. But just as when a tornado hits, grief can help you to learn what gives life meaning and what is important to you. And that is good to notice.
3) Don’t compare your grief to anyone else’s. Everyone grieves differently. Acknowledge that your loss is worthy of grief and accept that you must endure the very real feelings of sorrow.
4) Grief is very hard work and takes enormous energy. Just as cleaning up after a tornado takes a long time and will call for hard work… so grief work must be done, and no one can do it for you. Cleaning up the messes (dealing with your grief) will help you to believe that if and when more storms come, you will find the strength and courage to face whatever you need to face.
5) Effective mourning is not done alone. It is important to find understanding, nonjudgmental listeners with whom you can acknowledge your feelings and come to terms with your loss.
6) Grief is a life long process when you have lost someone to death. You must discover your way of grief, and be patient with yourself as you go. While the agonizing pain of loss diminishes over time, it’s never completely gone. Some things are irreplaceable.
7) Death may have ended your loved one’s life, but it did not end your relationship or the love you shared with them. Find ways to celebrate the love you shared and the person you loved.
I pray these things will encourage and help you, too… whether you have experienced storms, are in a storm, or one is waiting on the horizon. Sooner or later we all deal with pain and loss and grief and devastation. It’s just a matter of time.
May you find a safe place, and take good care of yourself when storms threaten and your grief spills out. If you have experienced a grief tornado I pray you will find support and comfort and help. The longer grief work waits, the harder it is to do. You cannot wait it out.
It’s tornado season.
Does the thought of that do anything to you?
I mean to your insides. Does it make you nervous?
If it does, I bet you’ve had a tornado come too close for comfort. Have you had the experience of having to pick up your possessions and rebuild your life after a devastating storm? Have you lost important things to the dark power of the spinning wind?
If you’ve had a run-in with a tornado, or seen what one can do, you will likely find yourself reacting to tornado watches and warnings. Do you find yourself making sure your stuff and loved ones are safe? Do you worry and fret about whether one will come in the night?
I think reaction to tornados can be similar to what it is like to deal with life after you’ve lost a loved one. You know the pain of loss. You remember how sickening it is see life spinning out of your control, and all you want to do is huddle in a safe place and hold your loved ones close. But there is only so much you can do when facing something so much bigger than you are. You do the best you can and wait for it to blow over.
But the sorrows of life can quickly remind one of the storms they have endured.
In the last week I have witnessed much pain: praying with a sobbing young father who was afraid his children were going to be taken away from him; interacting with an inmate who is facing 16 more years of prison and who wonders how he can live through it; a high school friend who has had a stroke, after watching his son battle cancer for over a year; my sister-in-law’s brother dying of cancer; a friend and his family dealing with his debilitating chronic disease; and today, learning that the husband of a friend has bone cancer… These are things which remind me of my own storms during the 2 years and 3 months our daughter fought cancer. They make me want to find that safe place and cover my head and wait for life to blow over.
I can do that if I want. And I may for a time, to regroup and get refilled so I can face my pain and the pain of those around me who are suffering.
But what I know is that there are things I need to be reminded of and things that are helpful to notice so that despair does not win when grief and pain threaten and swirl within and around.
Here are some things that help me to cope with how out-of-control life seems at times.
1) Grief is a normal, yet very personal response to loss. It is a natural process because of the loss of someone you loved. Grief is learning to live again as you adjust to your new life, and new normal.
2) Grief is very powerful. It can catch you off guard, knock you off balance, shake you to your core. It can be painful beyond words- physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. Grief reminds us how fragile life is and how vulnerable we are to loss. It can make your present life seem meaningless and take away your hope for the future. But just as when a tornado hits, grief can help you to learn what gives life meaning and what is important to you. And that is good to notice.
3) Don’t compare your grief to anyone else’s. Everyone grieves differently. Acknowledge that your loss is worthy of grief and accept that you must endure the very real feelings of sorrow.
4) Grief is very hard work and takes enormous energy. Just as cleaning up after a tornado takes a long time and will call for hard work… so grief work must be done, and no one can do it for you. Cleaning up the messes (dealing with your grief) will help you to believe that if and when more storms come, you will find the strength and courage to face whatever you need to face.
5) Effective mourning is not done alone. It is important to find understanding, nonjudgmental listeners with whom you can acknowledge your feelings and come to terms with your loss.
6) Grief is a life long process when you have lost someone to death. You must discover your way of grief, and be patient with yourself as you go. While the agonizing pain of loss diminishes over time, it’s never completely gone. Some things are irreplaceable.
7) Death may have ended your loved one’s life, but it did not end your relationship or the love you shared with them. Find ways to celebrate the love you shared and the person you loved.
I pray these things will encourage and help you, too… whether you have experienced storms, are in a storm, or one is waiting on the horizon. Sooner or later we all deal with pain and loss and grief and devastation. It’s just a matter of time.
May you find a safe place, and take good care of yourself when storms threaten and your grief spills out. If you have experienced a grief tornado I pray you will find support and comfort and help. The longer grief work waits, the harder it is to do. You cannot wait it out.
posted by Jo Winkowitsch at 10:50 PM
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