No longer the Hero
By Jo Winkowitsch
email: jowink55@milfordcable.com
What has your experience of grief and loss been like in your life? I know these articles are read by people from all walks and stages of life. My husband and I have had opportunities to talk with many of you, and so we know that though loss affects us all in this life, we deal with it, or not, in a myriad of ways. If I could, I would sit down with each of you and hear your stories. I know I would be richer for the experience.
One of the changes that grief has brought into my life is that I now know that I don’t know everything. I also know that I don’t have to know everything. (Some of you who know me might be surprised it took me this long to figure this out). This part of my grief journey was a surprise to me. I learned that I did not have to be the hero, and I was forced to admit that I was a frail human who was struggling.
There I was feeling like grief took me by the ankles, turned me upside down and shook and shook until everything had dropped out of my pockets and hands, making my life feel foreign and totally unfigure-outable.
In that frightening place I began to face the fact that I really did think I should know everything. I realized that I had been taught, and thought, that somehow I should be strong and brave and at peace, no matter what the circumstances. Now being strong and brave and at peace are good things, don’t get me wrong. They are just not good things when you think you HAVE to be that way and when you hate yourself and your life when you are not able to let yourself be weak or needy in the midst of a storm of life.
Grief was an opponent it seemed I couldn’t win against. It had me. And all I could really do was pay attention to it and to what I was feeling and thinking. One of the hardest battles I had in it and occasionally still have is about whether it is okay to be weak and needy. That was very difficult for me.
My experiences with friends, family and with religion have been mixed. Many messages I got encouraged me to keep smiling, to keep being strong and to keep being the “hero”. I fought to hide behind a mask, to keep the messy parts from showing, even to me. In all honesty, I thought it was my job to ignore my difficult-to-understand emotions and just try to do what I “should”. I never learned as a child what to do with those pesky emotions and as an adult… when faced with the losses of my father, my daughter, my vocation, my marriage (God did restore it), many of my friends and my purpose in life… I was forced to learn how to.
I found out the truth. No one can be strong all the time. No one should have to try to. In order to be healthy, everyone needs to give themselves permission to struggle, to be weak, to cry, to question, to be mad, or to have needs and to walk honestly through the valley of the shadow of death. Everyone needs permission to struggle and be weak and need help. These permissions are especially important when death comes to call, in my opinion.
When we ignore our hearts or stuff our emotions, we will likely experience physical, spiritual, relational, emotional & vocational problems. We set ourselves up for health problems and addictions. We block people being able to come alongside us to share our burdens and help us through the awfulness of our grief and pain. Secrets and keeping quiet can be a kind of slow suicide of the soul. Please consider what you do, so you can see if you might be called to let down some walls or invite someone in to share your pain with you.
So, as usual, I have some questions for you, dear reader. Have you felt like you couldn’t be weak, and had to/ should be strong and together for some reason? Does the thought of being an emotional mess turn your stomach or cause a reaction in you? When faced with pain and struggles do you get in touch with and allow your emotions? Are you willing to show them to people who care about you? Are you able to be sad, mad, confused, afraid, or whatever you are feeling without feeling bad about yourself, or trying to make the feelings go away? Do you feel alone in your pain?
As you look at the people in your life… Are there people who perpetually put on a smile in the midst of stress and just always do “wonderfully well” even when hard things come to visit their life? Have you set up some to be a hero to you, so that you would be shocked if they admitted that they struggle too? Is there someone you need to take off the pedestal so that they can get the help and support they need?
I think we really are all beautiful messes. And because that is true I suggest that we do all need God, and certainly do need one another… especially when we are weak. Those truths need to be firmly rooted in our brains and hearts, locked together. Can we walk that out, in reality, in the messy times and in the wonderful, easy times? If we try to be just beautiful or think we are only a mess- perhaps we will miss out on what it truly means to be human.
If you have been the 'hero', are you willing to stop, even if you have been one your whole life? Can you live transparently, free to be just who you are… with nothing to prove, nothing to gain by pretending, and nothing to lose by being yourself? I pray it will be so.
God knows the truth about our hearts and minds and actions. He is the one who suggests that we become like little children to inherit His kingdom. Remember the song, ‘Jesus loves me’?
“Jesus loves me! This I know, for the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong; They are weak, but He is strong.” We are the little ones. May we be strong enough to be weak… strong enough to be real… strong enough to choose honest and healthy ways of living and sharing our lives with one another.
By Jo Winkowitsch
email: jowink55@milfordcable.com
What has your experience of grief and loss been like in your life? I know these articles are read by people from all walks and stages of life. My husband and I have had opportunities to talk with many of you, and so we know that though loss affects us all in this life, we deal with it, or not, in a myriad of ways. If I could, I would sit down with each of you and hear your stories. I know I would be richer for the experience.
One of the changes that grief has brought into my life is that I now know that I don’t know everything. I also know that I don’t have to know everything. (Some of you who know me might be surprised it took me this long to figure this out). This part of my grief journey was a surprise to me. I learned that I did not have to be the hero, and I was forced to admit that I was a frail human who was struggling.
There I was feeling like grief took me by the ankles, turned me upside down and shook and shook until everything had dropped out of my pockets and hands, making my life feel foreign and totally unfigure-outable.
In that frightening place I began to face the fact that I really did think I should know everything. I realized that I had been taught, and thought, that somehow I should be strong and brave and at peace, no matter what the circumstances. Now being strong and brave and at peace are good things, don’t get me wrong. They are just not good things when you think you HAVE to be that way and when you hate yourself and your life when you are not able to let yourself be weak or needy in the midst of a storm of life.
Grief was an opponent it seemed I couldn’t win against. It had me. And all I could really do was pay attention to it and to what I was feeling and thinking. One of the hardest battles I had in it and occasionally still have is about whether it is okay to be weak and needy. That was very difficult for me.
My experiences with friends, family and with religion have been mixed. Many messages I got encouraged me to keep smiling, to keep being strong and to keep being the “hero”. I fought to hide behind a mask, to keep the messy parts from showing, even to me. In all honesty, I thought it was my job to ignore my difficult-to-understand emotions and just try to do what I “should”. I never learned as a child what to do with those pesky emotions and as an adult… when faced with the losses of my father, my daughter, my vocation, my marriage (God did restore it), many of my friends and my purpose in life… I was forced to learn how to.
I found out the truth. No one can be strong all the time. No one should have to try to. In order to be healthy, everyone needs to give themselves permission to struggle, to be weak, to cry, to question, to be mad, or to have needs and to walk honestly through the valley of the shadow of death. Everyone needs permission to struggle and be weak and need help. These permissions are especially important when death comes to call, in my opinion.
When we ignore our hearts or stuff our emotions, we will likely experience physical, spiritual, relational, emotional & vocational problems. We set ourselves up for health problems and addictions. We block people being able to come alongside us to share our burdens and help us through the awfulness of our grief and pain. Secrets and keeping quiet can be a kind of slow suicide of the soul. Please consider what you do, so you can see if you might be called to let down some walls or invite someone in to share your pain with you.
So, as usual, I have some questions for you, dear reader. Have you felt like you couldn’t be weak, and had to/ should be strong and together for some reason? Does the thought of being an emotional mess turn your stomach or cause a reaction in you? When faced with pain and struggles do you get in touch with and allow your emotions? Are you willing to show them to people who care about you? Are you able to be sad, mad, confused, afraid, or whatever you are feeling without feeling bad about yourself, or trying to make the feelings go away? Do you feel alone in your pain?
As you look at the people in your life… Are there people who perpetually put on a smile in the midst of stress and just always do “wonderfully well” even when hard things come to visit their life? Have you set up some to be a hero to you, so that you would be shocked if they admitted that they struggle too? Is there someone you need to take off the pedestal so that they can get the help and support they need?
I think we really are all beautiful messes. And because that is true I suggest that we do all need God, and certainly do need one another… especially when we are weak. Those truths need to be firmly rooted in our brains and hearts, locked together. Can we walk that out, in reality, in the messy times and in the wonderful, easy times? If we try to be just beautiful or think we are only a mess- perhaps we will miss out on what it truly means to be human.
If you have been the 'hero', are you willing to stop, even if you have been one your whole life? Can you live transparently, free to be just who you are… with nothing to prove, nothing to gain by pretending, and nothing to lose by being yourself? I pray it will be so.
God knows the truth about our hearts and minds and actions. He is the one who suggests that we become like little children to inherit His kingdom. Remember the song, ‘Jesus loves me’?
“Jesus loves me! This I know, for the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong; They are weak, but He is strong.” We are the little ones. May we be strong enough to be weak… strong enough to be real… strong enough to choose honest and healthy ways of living and sharing our lives with one another.
posted by Jo Winkowitsch at 11:00 PM
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