Good Grief… Help in dealing with your Grief
by Jo Winkowitsch, Dec. 2005

This is the 7th Christmas we will “celebrate” without our daughter Joslin. I can hardly believe that so much time has passed. I can hardly believe, sometimes, that I have survived, when my daughter did not. Those of you who have lost someone dear to you understand this. Others may not. What matters most is how you are doing this holiday season. It is a difficult time for those who are grieving.
Where are you in your grief journey? Is this your first Christmas without your loved one? If so, I want you to know that those of us who are further out remember the awfulness of that time. Most of us are willing to listen to your sadness, for we understand your longing for your loved one. Instead of wondering what present to buy, now you are wondering about how your loved one is, and where they are, and why they are gone, and whether they know what you are experiencing. You are missing their presence. And that will not change with time. But what will change is your ability to face the holidays without them. As time goes on, you will become more used to the missing times, and you will learn to cope better with the losses you face because someone will be missing at your home during the holidays.
If this is your second holiday season, your grief is likely different. You have survived the first Christmas, and you know how difficult those days can be. Reality has hit you full force, this past year, that the loss of your loved one is for the rest of you life. And that stinks. No, I mean it really stinks! So this year, when others think that you should maybe be “over it” or have gotten to a place where things will return to normal… consider letting them know that you will never be over it and that you have a new normal. Keep looking for what works for you, as you grieve and share your grief walk with others around you. Keep looking for people who you are free to share your sadness with, and yes, to share your precious memories with.
If your grief walk has been a longer one, you know that getting used to your loss is a one step forward, two steps back kind of dance. I hope and pray that this year brings you the ability to more fully celebrate the life and the love you were able to share with your dear one. I hope that you can reach out to other bereaved people who may need someone just like you to share their pain or joys with.
Joslin loved Christmas and made the season so much fun by her love of the splendor, the colors, the wrapping, the lights, the food, and the joy of giving. My Christmas is darker and sadder since she is gone… yet it also drives me to the Light of the world for more help and more light from Him. She would be glad for that… for the True Light brings meaning and purpose and joy and peace that the world cannot take away… Because I do believe there is Life outside of this life, I can go on… for however many Christmas times I am given to experience, according to God’s Story for my life. But I will continue to miss my sweet child. If you are reading this you likely understand.
I find myself more willing and able to think about and share memories of Joslin as I face another Christmas and another New Year without her. If you need a willing ear or someone to share your loss with, find someone who will listen. Talk to someone in your family, at your church, or look for a support group to help you deal with your grief and losses.
Try not to lock away your grief or just struggle to make the pain go away. I have met too many people who lost their loved one many years ago and the pain is still so intense when they try to talk about it, they cannot. I believe this happens because the pain is not allowed to come out when it presents itself. And I struggle, too, for those of you who wonder. Letting my emotions freely come out is often a very difficult thing for me. But I am continuing to learn how to be the beautiful mess God created me to be. I know that dealing with emotional "constipation" is not fun, so I try to make time for my sad to be expressed, so I don't have problems. (Please excuse the crude analogy. It works in my head).

Dear Reader,
Keep talking about and sharing the love you have, especially
concerning those special ones who won't be coming home for the Holidays.

And may you have a blessed, joy splattered, peace filled Christmas,
as you celebrate Life and live.

Pretending

by Jo Winkowitsch, mother always of Joslin…
born to earth on Jan. 23,1979 born to heaven on Sept. 14, 1999

I looked at your picture out of the corner of my eye the other day and caught a glimpse of you…"Oh, are you home already for Christmas?" I ask, pretending that it is so. And you answer, "Yes, Mom, I have shopping to do and I want to make some candy to bring to Val and Mary and you sure do need help with the decorating." I dialogued with you for awhile in my mind until the tears came…And then I remembered you were gone
as I looked around the empty room,
thanking God for you, and the years we had,
as I appreciated the Love we share...

Your niece and I were playing and she tossed her head and laughed and for just a minute I thought it was you. Although not as blonde and not as tall and not as thin...
I pretended she was you,
having tea with the toy cups in front of your little wooden kitchen,
as we sat on small chairs.
I thought of you and how you celebrated and enjoyed life…
No need to pretend that is true, for I do remember you.

I listened to a song that wondered what I sometimes wonder…
What would you have been like, dear Joslin, if you had survived?
I look at our family and see the hole your leaving has left us…
And the tears come again as I miss you and your effervescent glow.
I will keep pretending and remembering until I see you again.
It really isn’t enough, but it is all I have…

I cry because of all the things you never got to do and experience.
And I laugh as I think of you dancing on streets of gold with Jesus…
I am thankful, my beautiful child, for how you made me want to
live life to the FULL as I walked with you
while you learned how to live while facing your death…
I thank God as I remember the wonderful gift of you.

Happy Birthday, precious Joslin…
We will celebrate your life and mourn your death.
As always.
For you have made a difference in our lives.
And we remember…
Dec. 13,2005

FIRST CORINTHIANS 13
CHRISTMAS VERSION (paraphrased)

If I decorate my house perfectly with plaid bows,
Strands of twinkling lights and shiny balls,
But do not show love to my family,
I'm just another decorator.

If I slave away in the kitchen, baking dozens of Christmas cookies,
Preparing gourmet meals and arranging a beautifully adorned table at mealtime,
But do not show love to my family,
I'm just another cook.

If I work at the soup kitchen, carol in the nursing home
And give all that I have to charity,
But do not show love to my family,
It profits me nothing.

If I trim the spruce with shimmering angels and crocheted snowflakes,
Attend a myriad of holiday parties and sing in the choir's cantata,
But do not focus on Christ,
I have missed the point.

Love stops the cooking to hug the child.
Love sets aside the decorating to kiss the husband.
Love is kind, though harried and tired.
Love doesn't envy another's home
That has coordinated Christmas china and table linens.
Love doesn't yell at the kids to get out of the way,
But is thankful they are there to be in the way.
Love doesn't give only to those who are able to give in return,
But rejoices in giving to those who can't.

Love bears all things,
Believes all things,
Hopes all things,
Endures all things.

Love never fails.
Video games will break,
Pearl necklaces will be lost,
Golf clubs will rust...
But giving the gift of love will endure.

You can give without loving,
but you cannot love without giving.

Dec. 6, 2005.... Christmas thinkings here.... Watching Charlie Brown's Christmas TV show tonight reminded me of many important things pertaining to Christmas and charity and what's important.
Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and go back to a time when all my children were at home and the Christmas season was filled with caroling... and Christmas program practices and programs... and making Christmas candy for the sacks at church... and taking a family picture for the Christmas letter.
But those days are long gone... My heart and mind go back through the decades... remembering... regretting... rejoicing... The real meaning of Christmas, Charlie Brown? (For the Real Question is what does endures through all of the seasons of our days and times and death and life and disappointments and success?).
Well, it is the Baby Jesus, the born-to-die Savior who came to bring Light and Salvation and Hope and Deliverance and Joy and Purpose and Peace... Bringing these gifts to a world that seems to proclaim it can, and we should find those things on our own. But we are unable to do that... we throw down our little twigs of Christmas merriment and think we've blown it.
Until we look up... at the stars which remind us of the Star which really did shine it's light on a real place in a real time when Jesus was born.
Until we look around... to see what God is doing and wants to do in us and around us.
Until we look inside... to see if there is room in us for the Savior of the Universe to reside.

This Christmas, may we have eyes to see and ears to hear and hearts to worship the Holy One... the Messiah... the Promised Redeemer and Deliverer... And, in the midst of the all bustle and hustle... may we hear the Angels who proclaimed at Jesus' birth... Lu 2:14 - "Glory to God in the highest, And on earth peace, goodwill toward men!"

And we embrace God's Truth and Peace...
Isaiah 9: vs6: "For unto us a Child is born,Unto us a Son is given; And the government will be upon His shoulder. And His name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. vs7: Of the increase of His government and peace there will be no end, upon the throne of David and over His kingdom, to order it and establish it with judgment and justice from that time forward, even forever. The zeal of the Lord of hosts will perform this."

Come Lord Jesus... come quickly. That's what I say.
May God bless you with His amazing Joy...
Jo Winkowitsch