Pretending

by Jo Winkowitsch, mother always of Joslin…
born to earth on Jan. 23,1979 born to heaven on Sept. 14, 1999

I looked at your picture out of the corner of my eye the other day and caught a glimpse of you…"Oh, are you home already for Christmas?" I ask, pretending that it is so. And you answer, "Yes, Mom, I have shopping to do and I want to make some candy to bring to Val and Mary and you sure do need help with the decorating." I dialogued with you for awhile in my mind until the tears came…And then I remembered you were gone
as I looked around the empty room,
thanking God for you, and the years we had,
as I appreciated the Love we share...

Your niece and I were playing and she tossed her head and laughed and for just a minute I thought it was you. Although not as blonde and not as tall and not as thin...
I pretended she was you,
having tea with the toy cups in front of your little wooden kitchen,
as we sat on small chairs.
I thought of you and how you celebrated and enjoyed life…
No need to pretend that is true, for I do remember you.

I listened to a song that wondered what I sometimes wonder…
What would you have been like, dear Joslin, if you had survived?
I look at our family and see the hole your leaving has left us…
And the tears come again as I miss you and your effervescent glow.
I will keep pretending and remembering until I see you again.
It really isn’t enough, but it is all I have…

I cry because of all the things you never got to do and experience.
And I laugh as I think of you dancing on streets of gold with Jesus…
I am thankful, my beautiful child, for how you made me want to
live life to the FULL as I walked with you
while you learned how to live while facing your death…
I thank God as I remember the wonderful gift of you.

Happy Birthday, precious Joslin…
We will celebrate your life and mourn your death.
As always.
For you have made a difference in our lives.
And we remember…
Dec. 13,2005