D & J Winkowitsch

noreply@blogger.com (Jo Winkowitsch) — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 17:31:00 +0000

Life goes on...by Jo Winkowitsch, in memory of Joslin

It may surprise you to know that as a bereaved mother, I sometimes forget that I am. I don’t forget Joslin, I just forget she is gone. What about you, do you forget sometimes? Denial blankets me at times, even after 10 Christmases celebrated without my dear daughter. It feels strange when I go to Walmart and see something she might have liked and I find myself carrying it to the checkout before I realize she is not here to enjoy the gift. I see someone who looks like her from the back and want to follow her around the store and pretend it is her. Think me insane? If you have lost a child, you probably understand. My sincere excuse is that sometimes our frail beings need a break from the awfulness of losing a child, and it is understandable that we might try to escape to a happier place and time where they lived and interacted with us.

Joslin was 20 when she died of bone cancer. I thought I would die of a broken heart, but here I am. In some ways, my heart is still broken and will always be. (Again if you have experienced the death of a child, you understand). But there is now a resigned acceptance in me of what has happened, (finally knowing there is nothing I can do to change it), and I have grown more used to her absence and to the pain of it. That's what I tell newly bereaved parents, that it will get better down the road because they will get more used to the pain and to their new lives. I am not sure that helps…but it is all I have.

Missing someone you love is one of the most difficult agonies there is, I believe. Friends may try to cheer you up and remind you that your loved one is in a better place, but the reality is, they are gone, and that hurts. It is the hurt that keeps on hurting. It is a chronic pain, and though we might hobble on in life, we find ourselves changed and carrying a burden we didn't desire. But we are forced to carry it. Some of our friends will understand, or at least try to. Others, who I call the “clueless,” will say well-meaning things and attempt to cure our pain. Some days I do better than other days, and those who know and love me accept that.

Joslin would have been thirty years old in January. I cannot imagine her that age. She was barely done being a teenager when she died… Now of course, she would have matured and maybe even had a family. She loved children. Those of you who have grandchildren from the child you lost, does it make it easier for you? Or do you look at the child and see your son or daughter? Is there a constant pain when you wonder what your child would have contributed to the lives of their children? I wonder about that sometimes.

I met a lady a few nights ago who lost her 40-something daughter recently… and I was reminded that no matter how long we have our children, when they die, it is too soon. It is so unnatural for a child to die first. My gravesite waits for me to be laid next to the body of my daughter… and I remember the last time I laid next to her on her bed the night before she died. It seems like just yesterday… and it seems like forever since that day. Time is disrupted when a child dies. Perhaps it will always be strange, and that is part of the "new normal" we must deal with.

Another year beckons… it will be incomplete for me because my family is incomplete and will always be. If you have lost a child you know the feeling. The beautiful blonde haired daughter who made me laugh and cry as she uniquely blessed my life is gone… Gone except for the times I get small glimpses of her in my mirror and for the times I hear her laugh when I am with my grandchildren… They are priceless Joslin rememberings for me And they will have to do, for now.

I count off another year… one more year without my child… one more year closer to heaven… and life goes on, now always colored with sorrow and with joy...

Dec. 2008

noreply@blogger.com (Jo Winkowitsch) — Thu, 02 Aug 2007 22:20:00 +0000

A ReWoven Life
By Jk Loring

Here I sit in front of a blank page on my computer. It has been difficult for me to decide on what I wanted to write about as a guest columnist for “Good Grief.” My wish is to help someone, anyone, who is struggling with the loss of someone they loved, whether that be a child, a spouse, a friend, a grandparent, a parent or a sibling. The list is endless. The grief will be different each time because of the variables of who you are, what the person who died was like, what your relationship with them consisted of, and what the circumstances were surrounding the death. Unique, one of a kind, special.

In the past 12 years, loss through death has rattled my life several times. It hasn't made me an expert in any sense of the word. (I don't think we can ever become experts at the mourning process because of the differences in each relationship.) I have simply muddled through the messy process of trying to become whole again. It has made me a deeper, more compassionate person. When someone loses a loved one, my heart breaks all over again.

I can tell you that each of us, at one time or another, will have to walk this road. Unless we cut off every relationship we have ever had and run off somewhere alone for the remainder of our lives... we will experience grief. It is unfortunately a part of life. When I look back on my life, I think of all those I have lost to death. Those relationships were so full of love and laughter and hope. That is why it hurt so much to lose them. I think of Garth Brooks' song back in the early 90's "The Dance"...... it talks about the end of a relationship. One of the lines was something like, "but I would have missed the dance." How true that is of death. If we had never had the deep relationships, full of life, pain, love, laughter, sorrow, disagreements and just the daily life stuff, we would never feel the heart wrenching pain that comes from death. If we would never love... we would never grieve. We would also lead very lonely and unfulfilled lives.

I've learned that words aren't necessarily needed. "I'm so sorry" will usually go so much farther than a lot of words. The more words we use, the easier it is to say something dumb or insensitive. Not that we mean to add hurt to pain, it just happens. Hugs, holding a hand, sharing tears, heal the heart so much better than advice. If you have experienced people trying to help you and saying the wrong things, forgive them and let it go. If to do that, you need to confront the statement, do so in love. If they have never experienced grief, they just don't know. People don't mean to be mean; they just have never been where you are. It is in those times that the grieving process can seem almost worse than the death. The death has separated you from the one you love, and the grieving process often seems like it separates you from everyone else.

Rarely is healing a clear, precise process. It often involves a lot of crying, anger, crying, denial, crying, confusion, crying and a whole lot of prayer. In my case, obviously, I am a crier. The process is on its own time table. The grief process is longer for some than it is for others. No one should tell you when you should be over it, that is a choice you alone have. When everyone around you goes back to their own lives, you will see who has been changed by grief along with you. They are the ones who call a lot, just to see how you are doing, the ones who listen while you pour out your heart and don't try to correct you, and they are the ones who cry with you

Our society is very uncomfortable with death and grief. Death we have to deal with. Grief lasts much longer than most people want to deal with. It is uncomfortable, emotional and there aren't a lot of firm rules. If you run and hide, ignore it, or stuff it, it is very patient, it will wait. Five months, five years or five decades, it will still be there. It doesn't care how long, it waits. As it waits, it will slowly taint your life with fear, sarcasm, bitterness, and loneliness until one morning you wake up to realize grief is still there. It has stolen more than just the person you loved, it has stolen precious years of your life. Not dealing with grief allows it to steal your health, your peace and your deepest relationships. Instead of being able to share what is on your heart with the people you love, you find yourself avoiding subjects and walking on egg shells.

It takes courage to go through the whole grieving process and not get hung up in one place or another. With a loved one gone there are so many empty places in your life. Everything that was once so normal becomes painful, emotional, and disconnected. A song, a food, a smell of aftershave, a favorite place, a certain time of day, all these things and more can be triggers to pain, tears or anger. It is okay to cry. My mom used to say that tears were like baptism, there to wash your heart and your soul clean again. It is okay to be angry and express that anger to God, He is big enough to handle it. Even when you come to the conclusion that you aren't angry with God but He sure must not like you much, He can heal that too, if you let him. He does love you. And He knows what you are dealing with. Remembering those we loved will bring so much healing to our lives. The memories, the laughter, the stories and the tears…those things are the things that bring healing. Talking about those you have lost with people who listen may help you heal much more quickly than stuffing all those memories and feelings.

Will our lives ever be the same again? No. Will we ever be happy again? Yes. But our lives will never be the same. They will be different. Hopefully, they will be deeper and rich in the hope of eternity. The pain doesn't go away but we learn to let it make us love deeper, live passionately and laugh at every opportunity.

When God first started to heal my heart, He brought to my heart Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." At that time my family and I were going through a period of 6 years in which we lost five people that had been woven into the material of our lives. The last thing it looked like was plans to prosper us and not harm us. About that time I had a dream of a beautiful woven tapestry that was hanging on my living room wall. Suddenly, among the different colors and textures, threads started to fall out. It left the tapestry with huge gaps and empty spaces. It looked impossible to repair. Ruined and destroyed, it hung there for everyone to see, not looking at all like the beautiful piece of art it once was. I cried over it, I tried to pull it down, I started to question. Was it something I did, how did this happen, why, why, why? I started to look for threads that could fill in the empty spots. The right texture, the right color, and size just couldn't be found. I tried different things but nothing worked. I had come to the point where I knew there was nothing I could do to fix it. At that point I fell to my knees and gave it up to God. I could see Jesus walk up to it and gently touch the edges. Softly He began to weave tiny threads into the tattered tapestry. At this point I realized that the tapestry represented my life and what I was going through at this time. Slowly he was weaving His thread into my struggling, wounded life. So thin and so delicate were the threads that I could hardly see any progress. I closed my eyes just for a moment. When I opened them again I could see the new weave. It was far from fixed but the shimmering golden threads gave me a sense of expectation, a renewed hope. Even though it was not what it was before, I could see that He had a plan to make it a beautiful piece of art once more… never to be the same again, but from this point forward, possessing a color and a richness that was not there before.

That is what God wants to do when our lives are shattered and tattered and torn. If we will just allow Him to come into the situations of our lives, He can (and will) fill in the empty spaces with rich threads of His abundant grace and mercy. So it is when we lose someone we love to death. Only He holds the answers. Only He can fill the empty spaces of loss. There is only One who can make us whole again. His name is Jesus, Lord of lords, King of kings, Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end.

Through the whole walk of grief, I know that He was the one companion who never left me and never misunderstood me. He saw me crazy and a mess but never judged me. He saw my heart and knew my cries. He gently put me back together again and filled in the gaps with His love, patience and hope. I am changed. I will never be who I was before death came, yet I am becoming more and more who He made me to be from the very beginning. My life is being rewoven by the Master weaver.

noreply@blogger.com (Jo Winkowitsch) — Sat, 14 Jul 2007 16:45:00 +0000

Is it Grief or Depression?

By Jo Winkowitsch

When our daughter died of cancer, we were of course sad. I began my journey through grief thinking I would feel better as time went on. But after about six months, my grief became a deep hole I wondered if I would ever climb out of. What I thought was probably normal grief became a constant, dark, heavy blanket I felt covered by. I became more and more weary of living. Finally, a wise person suggested that I might be depressed, and I sought help. Eventually my life became one I could enjoy again. But it took time and effort.

Through my experience I came to see that it can be challenging to distinguish between depression and grief. Many of the traditional signs of depression are also present in those who are grieving. This article will attempt to point out some of the similarities and differences. Perhaps it will help you or someone you love.

Grief is a very real and painful experience. It is the price we pay for having loved someone. It is extremely complex, consisting often of sadness, anxiety, fear, doubt, guilt, loneliness, helplessness, and despair. A griever can experience sleeplessness, loss of appetite, an inability to concentrate, and extreme physical weariness or exhaustion. Grief can be understood as the physical, emotional, social, spiritual, behavioral and intellectual changes that occur in response to a loss.

Symptoms of Grief: Symptoms may include any or all of the following: * Unintended weight loss or gain of 10 or more pounds * Ineffectiveness at work or thinking * Inability to function well * Loss of interest in things that previously interested you * Feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness * Insomnia * Obsessive thoughts about death or suicide * Hallucinations Symptoms of Depression: If any of these or other disturbing symptoms persist constantly for several weeks, you may be developing clinical depression. Often it is helpful to speak with a pastor or friend or grief counselor about what you are feeling. Sometimes it is necessary to intervene with medicine, due to the intensity of the symptoms.

Grief changes. In most cases, people progress through the symptoms of grief, and these symptoms slowly diminish over time. People may periodically experience intense times of grief (an acute grief reaction), but the overall intensity wanes. Grief is often experienced in waves, which is usually in response to a specific loss. New waves of grief may be predictably triggered in response to recognizing a new loss or part to your grief, or unpredictably triggered by incidents that happen (for example, hearing a treasured song or noticing a stranger's resemblance to a loved one). The ability to feel pleasure is not lost in persons who are grieving. Most will still look forward to special occasions and visits from family and friends. Depression often causes a stuck state. It can become pathological. There are persistent grief symptoms that don’t go away, covering all aspects of a person’s life. This is characteristic of what depression is. A depressed person often loses all joy in living, and loses hope that they might ever enjoy life fully again. Seek immediate help if you or someone you know is talking about committing suicide, homicide, or is engaging in another destructive behavior.

Social Interactions when in Grief: People who are grieving often need social interaction to help them through the grieving process. Social support enables patients to tolerate the pain of loss while providing the necessary assistance for feeling and talking about their grief. Social Interactions when Depressed: People who are depressed often do not derive pleasure or solace from social interaction and may appear isolated and withdrawn. While temporary social withdrawal might serve a purpose in the grieving process (as in taking time to review life and consider choices), it contributes to a worsening spiral of isolation and depressed mood in persons who are depressed.

Agitation with Grief: Persons who are grieving may be agitated during the early stages but usually respond to support and counseling. Agitation and overreaction often diminish or resolve with time as grief is dealt with. Agitation with Depression: When agitation is present in persons with depression, it may persist without much response to supportive measures. Overreaction can become even more extreme over time, often with little provocation.

Grief and depression, as distinct but related processes, can result in intense suffering. Fortunately, much can be done to help people deal with grief and depression. Grief can be supported and facilitated, and depression can be treated. Whether grief or depression, it is important to work on the causes or underlying issues, and not just the symptoms you are experiencing. But recognizing and knowing the reactions to grief and their duration can help you to know what kind of help you need.

noreply@blogger.com (Jo Winkowitsch) — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 20:01:00 +0000

Good Grief
Whether death is sudden or lingering.
By Jo Winkowitsch and JK Loring

Each person's path will be uniquely influenced by the bereaved person's personality and history, their relationship to the one who died, the manner in which the person died, and other factors as well. To better deal with the similarities and differences in different kinds of death, I have invited a friend to write this article with me.

Introductions: I, Jo Winkowitsch have experienced prolonged illnesses of my father and daughter which led to their deaths. The goal of these articles is to inform and help people recognize and deal with their grief. I think that Grief can be a rude intruder into our lives in different ways, depending on the circumstances surrounding the death. We’ll explore that a bit in this article.

Hi, I am JK Loring. I was asked by Jo to write about sudden death of loved ones, having experienced it twice. My prayer is that in sharing parts of my story you will be blessed and encouraged.

(JK) I wish I didn’t have anything that qualified me to help write this article on the subject of sudden death, but unfortunately it showed up on my doorstep twice. It has changed my family. It has changed our lives forever. We will never be the same.

In 1995, we experienced the sudden death of a young friend who I was very close to. When we received that phone call, our world fell to pieces. It shook the very core of our family and pierced our hearts. Why? Had we done something to make God angry? What were we supposed to do? How would we ever recover? How could our lives go on?

No time to say goodbye, no time to make things right, no time for one last hug.
It was over.
My phone ringing late at night took on a life of its own.
How could I keep this from happening to my sons? Could I keep them safe?
Fear became a huge issue for me.
The visitation, the funeral… all a blur. Grief happened. As layers of loss hit, we felt
anger, raw emotions, felt crazy, and had tears. But we slowly healed. Life became life again.
And even sweeter than before because we had known loss.

I wish this is where the story ended.

On Christmas Eve of 1998 I once more lost one of my best friends instantly in another car accident. My reconstructed world shattered.

A second time of loss makes everything so much more complicated and painful. How could a loving God let this happen again, I wondered? I thought, “Not again, it must be some kind of mistake.” A silent scream started to grow in my heart.

In losing someone suddenly it is as if your arm has been ripped off. It feels like an awful nightmare that makes you wonder whether it will all be gone when you wake up. But instead, the nightmare goes on and you realize that this is your new life. As shattered and fragile as it is- this is it. Reality.

I have learned that you need to go through the whole process of grief, no matter how messy or painful or difficult. The reward is healing. My advice is to not let anyone tell you how to mourn or what to do. Mourn as you need to. I have realized that death will be different even if the circumstances are the same. It is different for each person you lose. It will be as different as the person who died, and the person who mourns, for the relationship will be different for everyone. The experience will be different, even if the circumstances seem frightfully similar.

The arm is gone.

(Jo) I think that a sudden death generally doesn’t give one much time to adjust to the reality of impending death, and this complicates the grief process. When death occurs suddenly it causes a trauma that interferes with understanding and accepting the reality of the death, possibly causing one to feel as if the trauma of the death is a reality “too terrible to bear”. It seems that usually the intensity of the first pain is more intense when the death was a surprise. As JK wrote, in a sudden death there is no time to do or say much. Before you know it, the one you loved is gone. In sudden death the grieving person will probably need to go over and over the trauma of the suddenness and the awfulness of what the death means to them, in order to try to accept the reality of the loss. Sometimes writing a letter to the one who died can be a helpful thing, releasing any final thoughts, sentiments or questions.

In lingering deaths, there is pain in the waiting, especially when the person is suffering or weak or wants to die. Joslin, my daughter, was considered terminal for 9 months so to me it felt like the arm that she represented was being sliced off me bit by bit.

I did struggle with acceptance of Joslin’s death especially before she died, wondering too how a loving God could let such a thing happen. During the course of time I read books about death, I journalled, I received counseling, I prayed, I cried, I wrestled with God. But the end result was the same as what JK experienced… “the arm is gone.”

In Joslin’s case, there was still trauma when she died, but she and those who loved her had time to say goodbyes and all the things they wanted to say before she was gone. (Not everyone took advantage of that, but they did have the time to do it.) Everyone was forced to grow accustomed to the fact that the chemo treatments had not worked and she was dying.

But even though we faced death for many months with my dad and daughter, when they died there was still the shock and disbelief that comes with the loss of someone you love. I still wanted to have one more hug, say one more “I love you”, laugh at one more funny joke. But their lives on earth were over. They were gone.

Mixed with that shock was an initial relief that the suffering was finally over when she died. In my case, it took several months before the deep sad came, as I faced my new life without my child.

Through Joslin’s illness we got a lot of support from people. There were calls and cards for us, benefits held and many gifts given to us. In the case of a sudden death there are gifts too, they just come in a more condensed version.

In 1991, Worden, Leick and Davidsen-Nielson described four basic tasks that the bereaved individual needs to achieve in order to integrate their experience of loss into their life and move toward investing in a new life without the lost loved one. These four basic tasks, no matter how the person died, are as follows:

1) Accepting the reality that the person died and is not returning. Often this takes 6-12 months to accomplish.

2) Working through the pain of the grief. The pain experienced at the loss of a loved one is composed of many intense emotions. Eventually the painful triggers become less frequent and may become intense mostly during anniversaries, holidays, and special events.

3 Finding a place for your memories. Keeping your loved one as part of your life is important and good. How that is done will vary from person to person.

4 Accepting your new life with its losses, and going on without your loved one. This work involves the need to take on new roles and make new kinds of contacts in the world..

(Jo) Bottom line, death is difficult no matter how you experience it. The purpose of this article is not to say one way is worse than another, but to help in understanding some of the differences and similarities of different grief experiences. I hope and pray that your own grief journey will be gentle and bring healing to you.

noreply@blogger.com (Jo Winkowitsch) — Fri, 04 May 2007 05:02:00 +0000

When is it going to end?
by Jo Winkowitsch

Sad, lonely, angry, confused, guilty, bitter, rejected, helpless, afraid, worried, disappointed, resentful, jealous, inadequate, vindictive, depressed, lost, abandoned, betrayed, sorrowful, better, so-so, relieved, okay, not bad, hopeful, peaceful, reassured, thankful, secure, insecure, unloved, loved, encouraged, joyful.

Hmmm. Do I sound confused? These emotions are all a normal part of the grief journey. I wrestle more with these things on special days, and in anticipation of the holidays. I miss those who won’t be joining me for a celebration.

Do you ever wonder when the roller coaster of grief will get to the end so you can get off? Reality has set in when we come to understand that we get to ride it until the end of our lives. Death’s effects don’t go away. One of our jobs as grievers is to adjust to those effects, and find our way in our new life.

Dear reader, we each get to decide how we will spend our days. How will you deal with all the emotions and thoughts that now ride with you as a result of the loss you have experienced? It seems good to consider a few things.

There are reminders all around that Mother’s Day is close, and Father’s Day is just around the corner… If you have lost a child or a parent, these holidays likely will be more complicated and painful for you. One of our daughters has died, and on special days we miss her more as we notice the emptiness she used to fill. Although we have two living children, we think about what might have been and wonder how differently our lives would be if Joslin were here with us. We ask ourselves what our grieving hearts can do with the chronic pain of grief.

If you are a griever, I would like to encourage you today to consider what feels right for you. It may be your first Mother’s day or Father’s day without that special person who meant so much to you, or it may be your 20th, it doesn’t matter. The pain is there, isn’t it? Give yourself permission to grieve in a way that is healing and helpful. Grief follows no rules and there are many different ways to deal with it. Don’t let someone tell you what you should be feeling or what you should do. Try not to do that to yourself, either.

Many people are helped by talking about their pain, or talking about their loved one. It might be helpful for you and for those who care about you to know which days are painful for you. Perhaps taking a walk or journaling might help you. Do you want to write a letter to the one you are missing? Maybe releasing a balloon will help.

Some grievers would rather find a way to distract themselves from the finality of their loss. Their goal is just to make it through the painful days and they find ways to avoid the pain to get through it. They might want to take a mini trip away where no one knows them. They might stay home to avoid seeing happy, complete families enjoying their day together. But if you are one of the ones who just tries to make it through, remember that it is not healthy, long-term to hold back your emotions and ignore your pain.

Giving yourself permission to do what is right for you might be the best thing of all you can do for yourself. What do you think will work for you? Sometimes it is in trying something that we find out about ourselves and what we need or don’t need.

Making it through holidays and special days is an important thing to learn. This will be my 8th Mother’s Day without Joslin and I still struggle with missing her. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday she was here and it seems a lifetime ago she left. Grief has a way of messing up your sense of time.

This I do know… I will miss the girl who loved to surprise me with food I liked, and laughed at my jokes. I will miss how earnestly she sought the perfect card or gift for me. I will miss what she would have brought to our family by her strengths and personality. I will remember her as I get out the cards I saved from her over the years. I will reread the last two which she gave me during her cancer fight, the ones which speak to me of our deep relationship which is there whether she is here with me on this earth or not. I will celebrate the life we shared. I will mourn our separation. I will look forward with hope to being reunited someday. And I will hang on as I experience the ups and downs of grief… remembering that one day the ride will be over.

May God bless you mothers and fathers, you sons and daughters. I am thinking right now of those who have lost, and those who still have their special ones here with them. Hug and love those you can while you can. Today will soon be gone. May we pay attention to the important things in life.

noreply@blogger.com (Jo Winkowitsch) — Mon, 09 Apr 2007 17:54:00 +0000

Good Grief…
What if you don’t mourn?

By Jo Winkowitsch email: jowink55@milfordcable.com

A friend suggested I write about what it looks like when one doesn’t mourn. At first, I thought that was a silly thing to spend time on. It seemed that it would be obvious to everyone what it would look like or feel like to not be able to mourn or grieve. I have wanted my articles to focus on what might help people find comfort and help on their grief journey, and this just didn’t seem to fit.

But the more I have thought about it, the more I wondered if this might not, in fact, be a very good subject to discuss here with you. Some of us seem to struggle with mourning. Mourning is the outward expression of an inward reality. Jesus said in Matt. 5: 4, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall receive comfort.” Some of the most important goals of mourning are to find comfort and hope in a very difficult and painful place, to understand and endure the losses that death has caused, and to find your new way in the life that you now face.

If you read these columns and are seeking to deal with your grief, then you may be unable to relate to what I am about to write. But possibly there is one of you reading who needs to consider what you have done with your pain and the sadness which came as a result of a death of someone you loved. Do you feel emotionally constipated?

Come with me, if you will, to consider what Martha M. Tousley of http://www.groww.org/ has to say about how people will grieve:
“Thinkers experience and speak of their grief intellectually and physically. Remaining strong, dispassionate and detached in the face of powerful emotions, they may speak of their grief in an intellectual way, thus appearing to others as cold and uncaring, or as having no feeling at all.
Feelers experience a full, rich range of emotions in response to grief. Since they feel strong emotions so deeply, they're less able to rationalize and intellectualize the pain of grief, and more likely to appear overwhelmed and devastated by it.
Still others may experience profound grief and have very strong feelings about it, but for one reason or another are unable or unwilling to express it. ”

Do you recognize yourself in one of the descriptions? If you are a thinker who won’t or can’t think, or you are a feeler who won’t or can’t let yourself feel, or for some reason you are unwilling to express your emotions or deal with your pain, what do you think will happen? How have you dealt with your grief? I’d like you to ponder that a bit.

Some of you might be thinking right now, “I am doing very fine without wallowing in my pain or falling apart, thank you very much.” If that is true of you, then please know I acknowledge that you get to choose how you ride out your own roller coaster of grief. If you are doing fine, then I am glad for you. But just perhaps one of you is someone who, for some reason, won’t even acknowledge the ride exists because of a past loss or huge pain.

You might be more like the person who chooses to put everything away that reminds you of your loved one, so you don’t have to think about them or miss them. Sometimes you might think that you don’t miss them anymore or don’t even feel the pain of loss. But try to talk about them, or think about them and what happens, are you overwhelmed with pain and sadness? Does that convince you all the more that you should not think about or talk about the one who has left you?

Are you like the man who knows how many days it has been since his beloved wife died 10 years ago? He reads her journals for long periods every day and his life revolves around missing her. He says he knows his grief is stuck in only being sad but he chooses to not move on with life. It is just too painful to think that life might go on without his partner constantly at his side all day.

After the fog of shock and denial lifted at the beginning of your grief, you might have been flooded with unfamiliar or too familiar feelings that paralyzed and incapacitated you. What you did with grief determines whether you are healing and adjusting to your loss and the pain, or not. Perhaps you are like the lady had lost her son ten years before. She said that at the time of her son’s death she couldn’t get the sad to come out, and later, when she was ready to grieve and needed people to listen and help her, they thought she should be over her grief. She needed to do the grief work of mourning to deal with her pain. And she found out that it is never too late to do that.

I believe that mourning is a necessary part in the process of adapting to your losses while learning to figure out your new life. You might choose not to do it, or you could have gotten stuck in your grief in a way that keeps you from moving forward. Are there things you won’t talk about or think about? Do you find yourself trying to protect your heart from further pain or loss? Does your pain seem to prevent you from enjoying and trusting what you now have or the joys of where life and relationships could take you?

At the beginning of our grief we are made to feel numb and unable to let the reality of the death and its consequences sink into our lives. Later, when we able to feel again and to do the work of grieving, it is our choice whether we are willing to feel and deal with the pain, or not. If you don’t mourn when you feel sadness, then I believe you will likely miss out on being able to fully embrace life and the potential it holds for you. I think that those who could have been comforted by you, as you shared what brought you comfort, will miss out. I am afraid that some of you who don’t deal with your pain will turn to addictions to try to cover and mask your pain.

Mourning is work each one does individually. People can and should come alongside you to support and help, but ultimately it is up to you to be willing to get on the outside what is on the inside.

May I encourage those of you who might refuse to talk about or deal with your pain that there is a better way. If you believe it won’t help to express your pain, I challenge you to try it. If you think you have healed and no longer are bothered by your grief, I encourage you to try to talk about your loved one and the losses that have occurred in your life. And let me know how that goes, if you will. This is a big subject, one I think might be good to revisit after I hear from some of you.

noreply@blogger.com (Jo Winkowitsch) — Wed, 07 Mar 2007 18:06:00 +0000

Memories…

Our daughter, Joslin, died in 1999. She was 20. It still bothers me to say or write the word “died”. Sometimes it still surprises me that she is not part of a family gathering, as I look around at the people. When I am visiting about my family, my mind and heart gropes around for a new Joslin story. Although there are no longer any new ones about her to share, there are new stories being created as we celebrate her and invite the memories and who she is and was to come into our present lives. That’s a good thing, I believe. Sometimes part of the pain of grief is an acknowledgement of the lack of memories you got with your loved one. Death has a way of reminding us of what we got, of what we didn’t get, and what we won’t get.

Here are some examples of what I mean:
*A grand-kitty died this week... Joslin loved animals. I wondered out loud with my granddaughter if Joslin got to play with Sleepy now, in heaven. (For those of you who are wondering, that might not have been a helpful thing, as Kasi glared at me and said, “That’s NOT fair!”).
*A birthday party for a grand-nephew… A wedding for a niece… I think of how Joslin loved to be part of parties and fun. We miss the opportunities to fit Joslin into the special memories as they are created.
*A snow day yesterday… I remembered the countless times my children and I made cookies and watched movies on such a day. I missed my children, all of them, and the years when they were young and in my care. I look at the snow and I remembered the fun we had when we lived by a hill we could slide down on our sleds. I remember all the times Joslin and I had to deal with snow issues when she was fighting the cancer beast.
*I anticipate a family vacation in a few weeks… Acknowledging that if I could have one wish, it would be to have my family complete, with our dear Joslin physically there with us. My tears remind me of how special and unique Joslin is, and each one of us is.
*I made chili… remembering the times we made food together and all gathered around the soup bowl to spend some good time together. I thought of the foods and treats each one of my children liked to make and liked to eat. Oh yes, and I thought of those foods which became stories about the horrors of Jo’s cooking. I laughed and cried.

Memories… they make me smile and they make me sad.
Such a sweet and sour dish we are served in our grief.

I have been changed since Joslin’s death catapulted me into the group I never wanted to belong to. I am now a bereaved parent. New days and happenings are colored with the realization that nothing is as it was before her death. And nothing will be as it was before. My life has been changed. Even the good times seem flavored with sad as there are losses associated with Joslin not being able to physically be here. So why think of the memories if they make me sad? That is a good question, one I have wrestled with. For me, I know the seasons of happy and sad are all tied together in keeping Joslin a part of my life.

I must admit that some days the grief is heavy and difficult and I grow tired of it, as I acknowledge that I will carry it until the end of my life. I don’t think a person ever gets over a major loss in their life. What I think is that we grow more used to carrying it, and we learn what works for us as we feel our pain and hold our memories. Time heals by helping us grow more accustomed to grief’s place in our life and to the changes which have occurred.

I recently read an article where someone said, “Pain is pain. It is all alike.” I don’t believe that. For each of us, our grief journey will be different. The level of the intensity of our pain will be different. My father died a couple months before Joslin died. With his death, my grief and losses is not at all like what I have experienced with Joslin’s death. My husband and I both lost the same daughter, but our grief and how we deal with our grief is very different. Each of us has a unique loss to deal with when someone dies, as we all have a unique tie to that individual.

If you have lost someone significant to you, you know what I mean. I wonder what sort of memories and grief triggers you have to deal with. What do you do with your grief and memories? I continue to hope and pray that those of you who are burdened with grief will have friends and family who will listen and come alongside you.

In those times when you are hit with pain, I hope you find ways to deal with it so you don’t miss out on the good things of your present life. That is something I have to work at. Our memories can remind us of unfinished business we need to attend to today in our current relationships. Our memories can remind us of the blessings we once had and are thankful for. Our memories can help us hold more important these days, as we pay attention to how we live them out. Our memories can remind us that we are just passing through this world, and that each day is a gift from God.

May we remember and live, with hope…

noreply@blogger.com (Jo Winkowitsch) — Wed, 31 Jan 2007 05:00:00 +0000

No longer the Hero
By Jo Winkowitsch
email: jowink55@milfordcable.com

What has your experience of grief and loss been like in your life? I know these articles are read by people from all walks and stages of life. My husband and I have had opportunities to talk with many of you, and so we know that though loss affects us all in this life, we deal with it, or not, in a myriad of ways. If I could, I would sit down with each of you and hear your stories. I know I would be richer for the experience.

One of the changes that grief has brought into my life is that I now know that I don’t know everything. I also know that I don’t have to know everything. (Some of you who know me might be surprised it took me this long to figure this out). This part of my grief journey was a surprise to me. I learned that I did not have to be the hero, and I was forced to admit that I was a frail human who was struggling.

There I was feeling like grief took me by the ankles, turned me upside down and shook and shook until everything had dropped out of my pockets and hands, making my life feel foreign and totally unfigure-outable.

In that frightening place I began to face the fact that I really did think I should know everything. I realized that I had been taught, and thought, that somehow I should be strong and brave and at peace, no matter what the circumstances. Now being strong and brave and at peace are good things, don’t get me wrong. They are just not good things when you think you HAVE to be that way and when you hate yourself and your life when you are not able to let yourself be weak or needy in the midst of a storm of life.

Grief was an opponent it seemed I couldn’t win against. It had me. And all I could really do was pay attention to it and to what I was feeling and thinking. One of the hardest battles I had in it and occasionally still have is about whether it is okay to be weak and needy. That was very difficult for me.

My experiences with friends, family and with religion have been mixed. Many messages I got encouraged me to keep smiling, to keep being strong and to keep being the “hero”. I fought to hide behind a mask, to keep the messy parts from showing, even to me. In all honesty, I thought it was my job to ignore my difficult-to-understand emotions and just try to do what I “should”. I never learned as a child what to do with those pesky emotions and as an adult… when faced with the losses of my father, my daughter, my vocation, my marriage (God did restore it), many of my friends and my purpose in life… I was forced to learn how to.

I found out the truth. No one can be strong all the time. No one should have to try to. In order to be healthy, everyone needs to give themselves permission to struggle, to be weak, to cry, to question, to be mad, or to have needs and to walk honestly through the valley of the shadow of death. Everyone needs permission to struggle and be weak and need help. These permissions are especially important when death comes to call, in my opinion.

When we ignore our hearts or stuff our emotions, we will likely experience physical, spiritual, relational, emotional & vocational problems. We set ourselves up for health problems and addictions. We block people being able to come alongside us to share our burdens and help us through the awfulness of our grief and pain. Secrets and keeping quiet can be a kind of slow suicide of the soul. Please consider what you do, so you can see if you might be called to let down some walls or invite someone in to share your pain with you.

So, as usual, I have some questions for you, dear reader. Have you felt like you couldn’t be weak, and had to/ should be strong and together for some reason? Does the thought of being an emotional mess turn your stomach or cause a reaction in you? When faced with pain and struggles do you get in touch with and allow your emotions? Are you willing to show them to people who care about you? Are you able to be sad, mad, confused, afraid, or whatever you are feeling without feeling bad about yourself, or trying to make the feelings go away? Do you feel alone in your pain?

As you look at the people in your life… Are there people who perpetually put on a smile in the midst of stress and just always do “wonderfully well” even when hard things come to visit their life? Have you set up some to be a hero to you, so that you would be shocked if they admitted that they struggle too? Is there someone you need to take off the pedestal so that they can get the help and support they need?

I think we really are all beautiful messes. And because that is true I suggest that we do all need God, and certainly do need one another… especially when we are weak. Those truths need to be firmly rooted in our brains and hearts, locked together. Can we walk that out, in reality, in the messy times and in the wonderful, easy times? If we try to be just beautiful or think we are only a mess- perhaps we will miss out on what it truly means to be human.

If you have been the 'hero', are you willing to stop, even if you have been one your whole life? Can you live transparently, free to be just who you are… with nothing to prove, nothing to gain by pretending, and nothing to lose by being yourself? I pray it will be so.

God knows the truth about our hearts and minds and actions. He is the one who suggests that we become like little children to inherit His kingdom. Remember the song, ‘Jesus loves me’?

“Jesus loves me! This I know, for the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong; They are weak, but He is strong.” We are the little ones. May we be strong enough to be weak… strong enough to be real… strong enough to choose honest and healthy ways of living and sharing our lives with one another.

noreply@blogger.com (Jo Winkowitsch) — Tue, 26 Dec 2006 02:58:00 +0000

noreply@blogger.com (Jo Winkowitsch) — Sun, 03 Dec 2006 04:46:00 +0000

Fractures… by Jo Winkowitsch

Yesterday I broke off part of a tooth. It happened while eating popcorn. I have broken off other teeth and am accustomed to what that is like, but it has been awhile. I was surprised by the shock of it, and by the pain which followed shortly afterward.

When it first happened, breaking the tooth was all I could think of. I found my tongue going almost constantly to the “new” tooth, to learn the shape and feel of what was left. The sharpness of it cut into my cheek and my tongue. I was not happy.

Last night the pain was difficult to deal with. Today I am eating very gingerly and have a tooth ache that comes and goes in its intensity. It is hard for me to not let it distract me from regular life.

I hope you can forgive me for comparing the loss of part of a tooth to the loss one feels when someone dear to them dies. I do know that nothing can really compare to the loss of a loved one… not amputation of limb, nor loss of sight, or the changes life brings us as we grow older… none are really the same. But working through our grief and mourning our losses when a death happens can be similar to what we experience, to a smaller degree, when fractures and tornados hit our lives.

Do you see them? Can you catch the analogies? If you have experienced loss or the death of someone close to you, I bet you can see them and understand. The shock, the pain, the unfamiliarity of a sudden change from what was long familiar into what now feels foreign and strange. The finality. The fact that breaking the tooth off was an out of control thing. It just happened. And now I get to deal with the result of what happened. That part of my tooth is gone. A loss can make a person angry. “Why now?” “Why me?” A loss can also cause a person to assess their life and ask “What now?” Sometimes a loss is so big that it changes our life, and how we live… forever.

I went to a funeral today. It was for a young man who had been broken off suddenly from his family and friends. The service was a sweet reminder of how someone can touch many people by their life and attitudes. Spenser’s life was celebrated, and God’s hope and comfort were evident. But the ache remains.

Grief over loss of a loved one is a normal process. Acknowledging your loss (mourning) is a necessary part of grief and includes accepting the reality of the loss, working through the pain, adjusting to life without the loved one, and re-investing emotional energy to your life. Grieving is an individual process that can be very intense or mild, immediate or delayed, and can last a short time or a long time.

When death has occurred, it will usually be difficult to focus on anything else for awhile. One thing that will help is for you to try to go easy on yourself. Give yourself time to adjust to the loss. Notice it, acknowledge the changes and your losses, and do what you can to try to help yourself deal with the pain and recover. Remember that those around you who also cared about your loved one are most likely suffering too. Grief sometimes makes relationship difficult when emotions are strained and people are weary.

Most of us do need other people to help us in the recovery process. We need listeners. We need others to share their stories with us. We may need help to see what we can do to try to regain functionality and purpose in our lives. For my husband and I, when we lost our daughter, we could not depend on each other for the support we needed as we had nothing to give to each other. We allowed others to help us in our grief so that we could come back together with the ability to help and encourage each other again. But it took time. Grief work takes time and energy.

If you have suffered the loss of someone dear to you, I hope you look for ways to receive from people and to reach out to others. My husband and I have been blessed to get to know many people as we became involved in the Okoboji support group for bereaved parents. We have been comforted by others. And we know we have been called to comfort others as we have been comforted. Often that may mean just listening, or being with someone, or sharing part of our story.

That’s the journey life takes us on… Through surprises and things that are out of our control. Through joy and sorrow. We press on, because life goes on.

It is the holiday season. Our hope and prayer is that we will all, on purpose, honor those who have left us, appreciate those who are still here, and thank God for the blessings and opportunities that remain.

And if your loss is recent or huge… chew gently…

noreply@blogger.com (Jo Winkowitsch) — Thu, 09 Nov 2006 16:48:00 +0000

The empty chair…

By Jo Winkowitsch

The holidays are coming. They are typically emotional times. But for those who grieve they can be even more difficult. This is true whether your loss is recent or it has been many years since you last saw your loved one’s dear face.

This will be the 8th Christmas season I have had without our daughter, Joslin, to share it with. She died in 1999, and Christmas was always a very special part of what I enjoyed with her. Even putting up the Christmas tree (which I thought of as her tree) was very difficult. I managed to do it four of the years since she’s been gone. Last year I gave Joslin’s tree to her brother and got a fiber optic tree that looks nice but doesn’t need much decorating to look pretty. That works for me right now.

We grieve because we loved and were loved. We grieve because our lives are different. We grieve because we can’t go back. We grieve because we miss the person and what they brought into our life. Grief disrupts our lives, and sometimes makes it hard to go on.

Grief is very difficult at any time of year, but at the holidays and on special days, it often seems like the grief is more intense, as you are forced to notice and acknowledge that there is an empty place where your loved one would have been. On special days there seem to be more grief triggers, and we may need more help to be able to enjoy those days. Do you know what you need? Have you considered what you can do to make the burden of grief a little easier for you and those around you?

If you have already weathered a holiday or two, you likely know what to expect and possibly even have a plan as you face the holiday season. If not, I invite you to consider what you would like to do, and how best to meet the challenges of these days.

One of the most important things to do is to realize that holidays often place emotional and physical demands on us. This is especially true if you are grieving. Take time to consider how you are doing and what would be helpful for you. Grief consumes a lot of energy and it might help for you to acknowledge this and accept your limitations and the changes that grief has made in your life.

Some people hang onto traditions and happenings they have always had, and this is okay if you are doing it because you are choosing to. This can help one feel like they have not lost everything in losing a significant person from their life. Keeping the holiday season close to how it used to be might help you as you acknowledge that life has gone on.

Here are some suggestions for things you can do to help get through the holidays. The info is taken from the book “The Empty Chair” by Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert C. De Vries.
· Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, spiritually and relationally.
· Consider how you used to celebrate the holidays and decide how you would like to celebrate them now. It is okay to make changes, and it is okay to try to have things be familiar. You get to choose, so listen to your heart as you consider what is helpful for you to do. Make a list of the things you used to enjoy and used to do, and identify what you want to keep as priorities.
· Lower your expectations and the pressures you put on yourself.
· Try to share your grief journey with people who care and understand. Talk about your deceased loved one.
· Don’t keep yourself so busy that you avoid your feelings or distract yourself from feeling what you need to feel and acknowledge.
· Take an inventory of what you lost. Write a letter to the one who has died, recalling memories and thinking about what you miss. You might even want to go out to the cemetery to read the letter out loud.
· Have a special part of the holidays to remember your loved one. Invite people to share their memories. Have a special candle lighting service. Put together photo albums. Cry. Laugh. Talk. Listen. Remember. Hope.

I pray that you will be encouraged in many ways as you navigate the holiday season and on.

Grief is not an enemy or a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being human. Grief is the cost of loving someone. “What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” Helen Keller.

noreply@blogger.com (Jo Winkowitsch) — Thu, 05 Oct 2006 18:28:00 +0000

Invisible Mode?

I have a friend who sometimes goes in “invisible mode” when she is having a bad hair day or feels funny about people seeing her. We laugh about it and it is a joke we share. I am pretty sure that she knows she's really not invisible.

Recently, at the Spencer fair, I saw a different perspective on being in invisible mode. I spoke with Amy as she worked at her booth there. She shared how hard it is for her now that she has cancer and it is obvious to those around her. Some people ignore her or walk the other way when they see her. I think Amy really does feel invisible at times. She encouraged me to write an article about what it is like when you are treated as if you are invisible and you do not like it. It made me think about grief and loss and how people respond and don’t respond. Is it something you think about, too?

First of all, I do not want to come across as a grand expert on how to do things, or as if I do everything right. I don’t. Perhaps that is why I am sensitive to the problems of attending to others’ pain and suffering. I know how difficult it is to be the one who needs attention and the one who sees someone’s pain. I will share some of my thoughts, and I invite you to share yours with me. Email me at jowink55@milfordcable.com

Secondly, I hope you realize that suggestions made here are just that…ideas and thoughts and recommendations. Each of us is made differently, and I share these ideas as conversation starters and helpers. Whichever side of ministry we are on (being the helper or the one being ministered to) it is good to pay attention to our hearts and notice what we need and what we want to give. Thirdly, I want to acknowledge that being in grief and ministering to those who are hurting is always going to be a work in process. As we talk and share and listen and question and grow, we will all become more aware of what works for us and what is helpful.

If you are the one who is being ignored or walked away from, please try to not take it personally. Does it help to be reminded here that grief is complicated? Sometimes your pain and grief will trigger existing pain in someone else, and that might be why they are not able to help you or care for you as you thought they could. There are many people walking around who have had losses and did not do their grief work so they could be free to minister to people who remind them of their own pain. Sometimes others cannot relate to you and need your words and thoughts to understand what you are going through. They walk away because they are Clueless and need help understanding you and your needs. Try to forgive those who have hurt you. Look for those who are available and see you and care.

If you are one who has ignored or walked around hurting people… Do you know why? What are you trying to avoid? Have you considered what it would be like for you if you had experienced what they have endured, and are enduring? What would you want if you were that person? Can you apologize to the person for ignoring them and commit to making a change? Do you want to help, or can you direct them to someone who is able and willing to be a helper? Can you send a card, or see how you can try to meet a financial, emotional, physical or spiritual need? Don’t just walk away. Forgive yourself if you have, yes, but find a way to change. The next time it might be you who needs a friend and listening ear. It hurts to be treated like you are invisible when you are hurting. Do you think about how your actions or inactions affect those in need? These are difficult topics, and we do well when we consider our needs and the needs of those around us. Can we pay better attention to the workings of our hearts, and the hurts of people?

If you are the one who wants to be a helper… be honest. Be there because you care and have made a commitment. Learn to listen well and ask questions if you don’t understand.
If you are the one who is hurting… be honest. Take advantage of the opportunities when someone offers to help or listen. Share with others what it s like for you as you grieve and mourn and adjust to your new life. Don’t just give up and become bitter. Don’t just stay alone. Find someone who sees you and cares.

Where is the Church in ministering to hurting people? What I see is that far too often the people are ignored and hurt by those who represent Jesus to the world. I am reminded that we are called to be like Christ, who said that He came to minister to the hurting and broken people of this world. In Luke 4:18 & 19 Jesus says this about Himself, and I believe His Body is called to minister now as He did, in His name. God help us. We surely do need Him to do this.

Let’s try to see the hurting, grief-stricken people around us. If we see a brother or sister in need, let’s not close our eyes or pretend they are invisible. We can only change the way we relate to people, so let’s each of us work on being people who care. And if you are one of the hurting, I pray that you will find a way to become more visible to those who might see you and walk alongside you. Let’s practice encouraging each other as we take turns listening and sharing.

noreply@blogger.com (Jo Winkowitsch) — Fri, 15 Sep 2006 18:09:00 +0000

Good Grief… Regrettable regrets.
By Jo Winkowitsch jowink55@milfordcable.com

Regret: To feel sorry, disappointed, or distressed about something. To remember with a feeling of loss or sorrow; mourn. To feel regret: A sense of loss and longing for someone or something gone. A feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different.

It’s all my fault… If only… What if… I wish I could have… I should not have… If only you could turn the clock back. Especially in dealing with death, regrets are a normal/difficult part of mourning and adjusting to life without your loved one. Regrets are usually perceived as mistakes, because we wish the final outcome could be different. What could have been and what we can’t know for sure will always be in the back of our minds as we try to sort out life. This article is about the reality of regrets and how we can live with regrets.

Death severs interactions with people, and quite often that occurs long before we’re ready to stop talking. Too frequently we haven’t had a chance to do or say all we would have done if we had known the death would occur. Unspoken good-byes, unexpressed love, unhealed hurts, unresolved issues all can bind up a person so that grief is complicated and difficult to maneuver.

One of the most regrettable things about regrets is that you cannot go back and change what occurred. Perhaps that is one of the reasons why they can so greatly hurt and depress us. The harder we judge ourselves, the more difficult it is to deal with our regrets. Regrets have such great power because we do care about people and we do care about what we could have said or done. Regrets can be about love unexpressed, anger unresolved, or a relationship unfilled. Regrets can distract you from the reality of what happened, and your sadness at the death. There can be intense grief and pain at the losses which are permanent and irreversible. Behind regrets we can often find feelings of helplessness, guilt, shame, hopelessness, abandonment, and devastation. Focusing on our regrets may be an unconscious way to avoid feeling those deeper feelings.

If our regrets feel like heavy burdens, we know that we haven’t adequately worked through the emotions that are associated with past experiences. Having regrets can be a way we refuse to let go of something. They can be a reminder of our mistakes and failings, or they can serve as a reminder to find the lessons available in what we have done so we do not repeat mistakes. Unresolved, they can lead to shame and guilt which can have damaging effects on physical and mental well-being.

There are two main kinds of regrets.
1) Regrets for your actual actions and interactions. If you are sad and feel guilty because of actions you took that you now regret, you need to acknowledge to yourself that you are sorry for what you did and then find a way to forgive yourself.
2) Regrets because of things which did not occur. If you are sad for inaction, the emotion is not guilt really, but grief. Your job is to feel the pain of what could have been, and that you now wish might have been. You need to grieve the “what is” of what happened.

Here are some steps which many have found helpful in accepting and dealing with regrets:
1) Acknowledge your faults. Accepting responsibility for your actions can be quite empowering. If there was something you really did fail at, acknowledge it and feel the pain of that. But be sure to work to forgive yourself. You do not have to bear the burden of regrets your whole life.
2) Find meaning in your regrets. Look for what you can learn as you look at your life and relationships.
3) Examine whether your expectations of yourself are realistic or not. For example, one of the regrets I have had to let go of was that I, as a mother, did not/could not protect or rescue my daughter from cancer or its effects. Some things really are out of our control, and though we can regret things were not different, it helps to come to understand what our abilities and responsibilities are. Exposing your regrets to yourself and to God and to other people helps you have the best chance to resolve and work through their effects on your life and heart.

Find someone you can confess your regrets to as you feel the pain of wishing and of losses.

Perhaps you may find it helpful to write a letter to your deceased loved one. Describe the things you regret, and express your love and pain. If you have words you didn’t get to express to your loved one before they died, write them out. Address unresolved issues in your relationship with them. When you have done this, write a letter to yourself stating all the things you wish you had done and wish you had not done. Express your pain… get it all out… and then, with God’s help… forgive yourself. If you had known to do something different, would you have? Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Forgive the deceased for not being perfect. Knowing now what you know, do you have things you wish you could change? Acknowledge these things and realize you cannot go back. Grieve that and choose to go on with life a changed person.

No matter why we have regrets, it is helpful to be reminded that our regrets can serve a good purpose in helping us to look at our current life and relationships and notice what needs to change. Regrets can be motivational and instructional. Are there things you want to do or say? Then say and do them. Are there things you need to acknowledge and repent of in relationship with others? Then make changes and be reconciled with people. Let your regrets fuel and empower you to live life differently from here out. In that way, you will find good coming out of your regrets, and can begin to see how God can use what you have experienced to bring blessings to you and to those you love. Looking to the future can be difficult when you are caught up in the pain of the past, but as sadness and guilt and regrets are worked through, there is usually a hope for the future which comes as time passes.

And hope for the future is what I wish for you, dear reader.

If you are feeling regrets today, find a way to deal with them so you don’t have to bear the burden of them the rest of your life. I hope it helps for you to know that most people have regrets when their loved one dies. No matter what you did or did not do, your life can be changed and motivated by your regrets to live differently. Look at what you want to do and say today to those who matter to you, so there will be fewer regrets if death should appear again. I pray you will find a way to allow your regrets to change you for the good. Let us live fully present to today, making the most of the time we all have available to live and to love.

noreply@blogger.com (Jo Winkowitsch) — Fri, 04 Aug 2006 14:53:00 +0000

When Grief makes you self-centered…
By Jo Winkowitsch

I have been thinking about how grief makes a person self-focused and self-centered for a time. Having grief issues to deal with brings added stress to your life as you adjust to and feel the pain of your loss. You may get depressed as you experience mood swings, body aches, sleep disturbances and memory problems. If you are reading this, I am probably not telling you something you don’t know. You have likely either experienced death or observed how it has affected someone else, and know how chaotic grief can feel.
If you are the one who lost someone, you probably won’t enjoy the reality that so much around you and in you has changed. You may miss your old productive life you were comfortable with. Many people do not enjoy having to suspend what their life used to be like to learn to accept and discover their new life.
Not everyone understands. From the outside, people might see you as wallowing in your pain or as not doing what you need to do to get better. Some people might not understand that this time to care for yourself in the aftermath of death is similar to having surgery. Much like a surgery, a death morphs you into a patient who must be aware of, and careful with your mind, body, emotions, vocation and relationships. You might not understand what is happening. This can be a surprise to everyone, especially you.
Before you try to jump through hoops that others have held up for you, it is good to notice what is happening in your life (external and internal), and to ask yourself what you need right now. I believe that those times of being self-centered and self-focused are only harmful if they do not help move you down the path of recovery and acceptance of your losses. If you take the time to allow your mind, body and soul to feel and to heal, your mourning time will be more productive and will avoid the complications which come with putting off grief. It is helpful to seek the patience, (for yourself and from others), and the help you need so that you can stretch out on the couch of your life to do the rest and rehab work necessary. Hopefully you will have people in your life who will listen and encourage you to take the time you need to adjust to the blow the death has caused to your heart.
When our daughter Joslin died of cancer in 1999, I felt like I lost my best friend and my job (as caregiver). I had a very difficult time finding and accepting my new life without her. It felt like a light had been turned out in me that would never come back on. Medicine was necessary to help me get through a depression, and friends and God helped with encouragement and love. Thankfully, the light has come back on. The years since then have provided opportunities to use the times of self-focus to find peace and hope and help and joy and purpose again. If you would like additional answers to how that happened, or want to share your story please feel free to call or email me. My email is: Jowink55@milfordcable.com
Sometimes it helps to know that this is a season of adjustment and recovery, and that you will adjust and feel better in time. Bottom line, I believe we need to take special care of ourselves when we experience a death.
It is good to know that there is “A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance.” Read Ecclesiastes 3:1- 8 … and think about the seasons of your life. To everything there is a season. Even if it is a time of taking care of yourself and being self-centered for a time in doing so. I hope that you will be comforted and refreshed as you wait and heal in the recovery room of life. And I pray you will not be alone there unless you want to be.

noreply@blogger.com (Jo Winkowitsch) — Mon, 31 Jul 2006 17:37:00 +0000

Good Grief...
When helpful words are not helpful…

by Jo Winkowitsch

One of the things we talk about at our bereaved parent support group is the issue of helpful and non-helpful things which are often said to a grieving person. Please receive the thoughts here as some responses to caring attempts to relieve pain... atttempts which unwittingly may add to the confusion or discomfort of the griever.
I believe that our society suffers from a severe lack of death education. What seemed to worked years ago, (just forget it and go on with your life, don’t talk about it, make the pain go away)… clearly does not work, long-term. Death is a difficult subject, and it is usually only when we are faced with a loss of our own do we want to read about it, hear about it and learn about dealing with death and what the grief experience is like.
When death occurs, often the first thought of many is to try to provide quick comfort and to diminish the pain of the grieving person. Of course, when you care about someone, it hurts to see them hurting. Grievers do need the love and comfort of others to help them get through the shock and awfulness of losing a loved one. But, they do not need to be “fixed”. They do not need to be rescued from their pain… pain is part of the grieving process.
While it is true, in my opinion, that my daughter is in a “better place” and that it is good she is no longer suffering… the reality is, she is not here with us and that is often a very difficult and painful thing to deal with. While I am glad for Joslin, I am sad for all of us who get to miss her.
Clichés, (trite and commonplace expressions) are often misunderstood, misused, and overworked. They too often express how the consoler thinks the bereaved person “should” feel, and usually are in direct contradiction to how the bereaved person really feels.
"You should be over this by now” is possibly one of the most offensive and destructive of all clichés, because it is usually said long before the full effect of the loss has even begun to sink in, and it causes the bereaved person to think that there must be something terribly wrong with them if they are still grieving.
“God never gives us more than we can handle” is a Bible verse which is taken out of context and is horribly damaging to someone who feels like they have more than they can handle. The verse is really about dealing with temptation… see 1 Cor. 10:13.
“Time will heal” sounds so easy and it is usually true that time will allow the griever to become more adjusted to the loss of their loved one, but in the beginning it is hard for any bereaved person to believe that the unbearable pain will ever stop.
Clichés can be hurtful and harmful. These misunderstandings and miscommunications can greatly inhibit the grief process. Some clichés can make you feel abnormal, maladjusted, or even unholy.
But please don’t think I am saying it is best to do nothing. Here are some ideas for some helpful things to do or say: ask questions about their pain; tell the griever you would love to hear more about their departed loved one; listen well with your mind and heart focused on understanding the other person’s experience; and especially share the hope you have that they will adjust and learn to cope with their “new life”.
Some other things to say: *I’m sorry. *I’m so sad for your loss. *I know this must be terribly hard for you. *Can I mow your lawn? *I feel terrible and I don’t know what to say. *I’m here, and I want to listen. Tell me about your experience and feelings. *Talk as long as you want. I have plenty of time. *I am available on Monday or Tuesday and would love to come over and help you around the house or take you out for awhile.
Note- You don’t have to say anything at all—just be there.
There are also non-helpful things to do or say. Some of these, in my opinion would be: taking care of the griever, long-term, in doing for them what they need to do; sharing Bible verses or clichés to try to take away the pain of their loss; telling the griever that you know just how they feel without hearing their whole story; or “shoulding” the griever by telling them what they should or should not do.
What not to say: *It’s all happened for the best. *Be strong for the rest of your family. *You’re young. You can have another child. *God needed him/her more. *Having your baby only a few hours is easier to deal with than if you had gotten to know them. *Now you’ll have an angel in heaven. *Only the good die young. *You’re better off having this happen now, as your loved one likely would have experienced pain and trouble in life. *Call me if you need anything. *I know just what you are feeling. *It was God’s will. *This was God’s way of saying there was something wrong in your life. *You should just feel lucky that… (fill in the blank) …you have other children…he/she lived as long as they did… *Forget it. Put it behind you and get on with your life.
When non-helpful things are said, often the griever is either unable to sort out whether it is true or not, or they react and do not feel the freedom to honestly respond. Some, who are further out from their initial loss might be able to ask questions and interact better, but the best thing is for everyone to think about what they are saying and why.
Throughout life we will take turns being comforted and being a comforter. It is good to notice what makes us feel comforted, understood and loved so that when it is our turn to comfort we will be able to really help. Hopefully our grief experience will help us improve in wisdom and understanding so that we may become a better comforter to others.
Remember, we cannot walk in someone else’s shoes… we can only walk beside them.

noreply@blogger.com (Jo Winkowitsch) — Wed, 24 May 2006 05:37:00 +0000

...Missing someone you love.

The topic for this article’s musings might seem like an easy one as you consider the essence of grief work. If you are currently dealing with the loss of someone you love, you likely know the truth that missing them is a very painful thing. It is one of the first things that comes to mind for me when I think of the most difficult elements of my grief.
Perhaps this topic, more than any other, is what makes us all have a unique grief journey. My husband and I both lost the same incredible daughter when she died in 1999. But we grieve differently, in part because the level of our interactions with her when she was alive were also so very different. We miss different things, and on different levels. We both miss her, but we miss her differently.
What I am saying is that the amount of connection we have with someone, and the amount of connection we desire to have with someone will have a direct affect on how much and the way we grieve when they are gone. Whew, that’s a long sentence. I’ll rephrase it: How much we love; how much we appreciate someone; how much we interact with someone; how much we wish we could have interaction; the things we experienced; the things we never got to experience; all these things are variables which will affect how much and how often we miss our loved one.
At the beginning, when your loss is still fresh and intense, the missing you do may be more extreme. It can be constant. It can be overwhelming. Later, as time softens the grief and you become more accustomed to it, you may find the missing you do will be accented and triggered by holidays, family gatherings, birthdays and special events. It will still be difficult, but if you have a supportive environment or friends who will be there for you, you will likely be able to share & express your pain as it comes. There will be pockets of missing your dear one. There will be times of missing what you used to have or could have had now.
One illustration I have of what the experience of death is like is that it is like an amputation. Our daughter had her leg amputated because of bone cancer. Though she somewhat got used to her leg being gone, and did learn to use a prosthetic leg, her life was forever changed by the loss of her leg. At first her pain was terrible. I think of losing her like that. I have somewhat grown used to her death, but my life will never be the same. And now I get to learn to adapt and walk on, without my dear child close by.
Does it seem like your friends and family question why you talk about how much you miss your loved one? Often people just want us to not be in pain, and they think that not missing the person, or not talking about our loss will help us. Usually that is not true. I think that what we need when we grieve is the ability to be as sad as we need to be, and to express our sadness and what we miss, so that we can get more used to our “new life” and new “normal”. Find safe people to share your heart and loved one with. Often those you can share with will be people who have also experienced loss and so understand the process of grief.
Sometimes it helps to sit down and write a letter to the one who has died. I have done that on many occasions and it has been helpful. I tell Joslin what I miss about her not being here. I tell her what I appreciate about what she brought to my life. I tell her the things going on in my life and the ways I think she would have been a help to me and to this world. I tell her things about her siblings and nieces and nephew, and what they and we miss with her not being here to enjoy each other. Sometimes I find anger when I do this; anger at the pain and unfairness of life. Usually I cry some tears, which doesn’t always feel good when I am being sad, but which ultimately is a good thing as I get on the outside what is on the inside. If I try to distract myself from the pain or missing, it can work short-term. But letting the memories surface and sharing my pain is a solution that helps me emotionally, physically and often spiritually, as I am honest and ask for comfort.
So what will you do when you miss your loved one? I hope you let the memories come, and are able to let the pain be expressed. I hope you have safe people to share your loved one with and to share your grief with. I hope you are encouraged to know that those who love much, grieve much.
Our loved ones mattered to us, and still matter.
Of course we miss them.
We likely always will.

noreply@blogger.com (Jo Winkowitsch) — Wed, 03 May 2006 03:50:00 +0000

Tornados...

It’s tornado season.
Does the thought of that do anything to you?
I mean to your insides. Does it make you nervous?
If it does, I bet you’ve had a tornado come too close for comfort. Have you had the experience of having to pick up your possessions and rebuild your life after a devastating storm? Have you lost important things to the dark power of the spinning wind?
If you’ve had a run-in with a tornado, or seen what one can do, you will likely find yourself reacting to tornado watches and warnings. Do you find yourself making sure your stuff and loved ones are safe? Do you worry and fret about whether one will come in the night?
I think reaction to tornados can be similar to what it is like to deal with life after you’ve lost a loved one. You know the pain of loss. You remember how sickening it is see life spinning out of your control, and all you want to do is huddle in a safe place and hold your loved ones close. But there is only so much you can do when facing something so much bigger than you are. You do the best you can and wait for it to blow over.
But the sorrows of life can quickly remind one of the storms they have endured.
In the last week I have witnessed much pain: praying with a sobbing young father who was afraid his children were going to be taken away from him; interacting with an inmate who is facing 16 more years of prison and who wonders how he can live through it; a high school friend who has had a stroke, after watching his son battle cancer for over a year; my sister-in-law’s brother dying of cancer; a friend and his family dealing with his debilitating chronic disease; and today, learning that the husband of a friend has bone cancer… These are things which remind me of my own storms during the 2 years and 3 months our daughter fought cancer. They make me want to find that safe place and cover my head and wait for life to blow over.
I can do that if I want. And I may for a time, to regroup and get refilled so I can face my pain and the pain of those around me who are suffering.
But what I know is that there are things I need to be reminded of and things that are helpful to notice so that despair does not win when grief and pain threaten and swirl within and around.

Here are some things that help me to cope with how out-of-control life seems at times.
1) Grief is a normal, yet very personal response to loss. It is a natural process because of the loss of someone you loved. Grief is learning to live again as you adjust to your new life, and new normal.
2) Grief is very powerful. It can catch you off guard, knock you off balance, shake you to your core. It can be painful beyond words- physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. Grief reminds us how fragile life is and how vulnerable we are to loss. It can make your present life seem meaningless and take away your hope for the future. But just as when a tornado hits, grief can help you to learn what gives life meaning and what is important to you. And that is good to notice.
3) Don’t compare your grief to anyone else’s. Everyone grieves differently. Acknowledge that your loss is worthy of grief and accept that you must endure the very real feelings of sorrow.
4) Grief is very hard work and takes enormous energy. Just as cleaning up after a tornado takes a long time and will call for hard work… so grief work must be done, and no one can do it for you. Cleaning up the messes (dealing with your grief) will help you to believe that if and when more storms come, you will find the strength and courage to face whatever you need to face.
5) Effective mourning is not done alone. It is important to find understanding, nonjudgmental listeners with whom you can acknowledge your feelings and come to terms with your loss.
6) Grief is a life long process when you have lost someone to death. You must discover your way of grief, and be patient with yourself as you go. While the agonizing pain of loss diminishes over time, it’s never completely gone. Some things are irreplaceable.
7) Death may have ended your loved one’s life, but it did not end your relationship or the love you shared with them. Find ways to celebrate the love you shared and the person you loved.

I pray these things will encourage and help you, too… whether you have experienced storms, are in a storm, or one is waiting on the horizon. Sooner or later we all deal with pain and loss and grief and devastation. It’s just a matter of time.
May you find a safe place, and take good care of yourself when storms threaten and your grief spills out. If you have experienced a grief tornado I pray you will find support and comfort and help. The longer grief work waits, the harder it is to do. You cannot wait it out.

noreply@blogger.com (Jo Winkowitsch) — Wed, 05 Apr 2006 18:21:00 +0000

Grief Triggers

Spring is appearing… and with it comes a realization that this is the seventh spring I have welcomed into my life without my daughter.
The first years were difficult for me. What had been my favorite season, (and my daughter’s) became a very painful time in my grief journey. At first, the triggers reminded me of only the huge hole that was in my life. I saw reminders of Joslin all around me and struggled with how life could go on without her. Those reminders are what I am describing in this article, calling them grief triggers. It might help for you to be aware of them and know what to do when they hit.
If your loss is recent, you likely know that there are a myriad of things which remind you of your loved one, and of your losses. It could be a color, a smell, a word spoken, a favorite flower, a song, or any number of things around you and within you which turn your thoughts to the person who has died. In the beginning, the triggers seem overwhelming because of their number and because of the grief they reveal.
As time goes on, the triggers will still be there, but they will produce less of the intense pain of the initial adjustments to your losses. After some time had passed, they reminded me of special things about Joslin and the distinctive memories I share with her. Hopefully you will find, as I have, that as you become more accustomed to your new life without your special someone, that the grief triggers become gifts to you as you experience them. They carry gifts of remembrance that keep your loved one alive and fresh in your memory. They remind you of the aroma of your loved one which remains in your life. They give you an opportunity to thank God for your loved one, and to remember the specialness of what they brought to your life.
Are you struggling with grief triggers? It is important to notice what you are thinking and feeling. If you don’t, you may find your grief coming out in rage, depression, addictions or irritability. As death touches deep parts of you, you have opportunities to get to know yourself better and to experience life on a deeper level. Here are some ideas which may help you to deal with your grief. Write a letter to your loved one, expressing your pain. Find someone who cares about you and will listen to what you are going through. Do something in honor of your loved one, expressing their personality and heart. But do not stay alone in your grief, or try to cover it up.
Wherever you are in your grief journey, remember that the reason you have the grief triggers is because your special someone lived and you loved. As we become more used to the awfulness of missing them we will be thankful for the reminders grief triggers are… a call to remember a loved one and to make good use of the life which remains for us.

noreply@blogger.com (Jo Winkowitsch) — Tue, 21 Mar 2006 18:42:00 +0000

Darwin and I got this picture done in Branson, MO recently. Oh, it was fun...

noreply@blogger.com (Jo Winkowitsch) — Wed, 15 Mar 2006 17:26:00 +0000

Here is a wonderful writing about Hope and Trusting and the Good Shepherd.
I hope you will read it.
Heart Soul Mind Strength: The Comfort of Hope

noreply@blogger.com (Jo Winkowitsch) — Wed, 15 Mar 2006 17:02:00 +0000

The Fear of the Lord:

To envisage what the biblical fear of God actually means, imagine a child at Christmas time in a huge department store. The top floor, the size of a whole city block, is filled with toys. When the child emerges from the elevator into this wonderland of desirable objects, her eyes grow bigger and bigger. She looks to the left and to the right, seeing everything her heart has ever desired: skis, T-bears, doll houses, toys, sleds, electric trains, computers. She wants to go in every direction at once. She is so enthralled that she does not know where to start. She wants to grasp everything and take it home.
The biblical fear of God is similar. We feel ourselves invited into a mystery that contains everything our hearts could possily desire. We experience the fascination of the Ultimate Mystery rather than fear of the unknown. We want to grasp or be grasped by the mystery of God's presence that opens endlessly in every direction.
(Invitation to Love: The Way of Christian Contemplation, by Thomas Keating)

thoughts by Jo...
I like this picture of a child... yet, something is missing for me. Knowing God is so much more than seeing all the "treats" He has for us- yet it is certainly part of the picture. I sometimes think we don't think enough about all the treasures He holds for us, waiting for our requests and for His perfect Timing...
I sometimes wrestle with feelings of being overwhelmed with knowing, (not just in my head, but in my heart,too), the goodness and bigness of our God.
It certainly is one of God's mysteries, this thing of intimacy with God ... As we desire to know Someone who we can't see with human eyes until we are Home...
So I go to God and ask Him to give us eyes to see the delightfulness and Fullness of Him... May He help us be in awe of who He is and who we are because of Him.
Today I desire to go to His feet to sit with Him as I seek to know Him, even as I am known.
Yes.
May it be so.
Help us, God.

noreply@blogger.com (Jo Winkowitsch) — Tue, 07 Mar 2006 02:13:00 +0000

What makes life worth living...

Have you thought lately about what makes life worth living?
I was struck recently by how often the intense moments of life, (the losses and pains and joys and wonders) cause us to notice what makes life worth living.
Last week brought me an interesting assortment of ups and downs... A niece’s baby was born, a friend heard more about his end-stage disease, another friend struggled with knowing how to deal with emotional pain, I got to process some deep pain lingering from a childhood trauma, a fun trip was made to Omaha with a cousin, a dear friend died suddenly, a wonderful gathering happened for Cursillo... and mixed in with all of these things were work and sleep and eating and doing the mundane things in life.
The seasons of life... sometimes they seem like a hodge-podge of nothing... a recipe which could not be redeemed even if you threw every cream of something soup you owned into it.
But together, those things cause us to ponder important things. Eventually they become the eclectic parts that have been added and stirred together to create the unique creation we will be when our lives are finished and we go Home. Until then, we might need encouragement to believe that our lives are salvageable and valuable.
Relationships are usually what matter most to us.
Who or what makes life worth living for you?
If you have lost someone you love, you know how that can change the landscape of your life.
After our daughter died in 1999, it took me a long time to find my place again in this world. I lost my best friend and my job (caring for her), all in one moment of time. It seemed impossible for me to think that I would ever enjoy life again. Or that I should.
But, I have learned that the grief journey is one of process. It is a matter of putting one foot ahead of the other as best you can, knowing that sometimes you will take 2 steps back. I believe that one of the responsibilities you have as you grieve is to be honest and to notice what you think and feel as your life goes on. You are a different person than before the death occurred. Some people close to you might not understand that, but you must know that one cannot have a huge loss without being affected. Get to know the new you as you face your new life.
Grief, like a raging river, runs through you heart and veins. As you deal with it, you will not only see how your life has been changed by ravages of death and loss, you will likely gain a deeper understanding of what is important in life, for you. Look for ways to get help when the intimidating waters come. If the panoramic view of your life makes you want to run and hide, find high ground so that you can believe that you will not drown.
As the huge, agitated waters recede and diminish… you may find you have more time and energy to sit beside the waters and to ponder the important things of life. I pray you will choose to do that. It is worth the effort.
In grief, it is often quite obvious what has been torn away in the flood-like waters, but it is important for you to also notice the other things the waters might have brought to your heart and new life. In walking along the shores of grief, you may discover nuggets of truth. You may see that you have been spending your life on things which really don't matter, in light of eternity. You may learn that what matters to you has changed, and you may decide that how you face and navigate life needs to change.
Dealing with grief, to me, means that you get on the outside what is on the inside so that you can feel and process what is happening with your head and heart. You may find it difficult to understand the new terrain of your life. Know that the flood waters will not last forever, and that you can take the time you need to examine the changes the river of grief brings to you. Find people who can help, especially if you feel stuck in your pain, or emotionally constipated. Reach out to others who have experienced a similar loss to yours.
You will find your way again, and when you do, I pray that your horizons bring you peace and beauty because you have learned more about what is important for you to do and celebrate in life.

noreply@blogger.com (Jo Winkowitsch) — Wed, 01 Feb 2006 02:50:00 +0000

Full Drawers
by Jo Winkowitsch

Note: To try to eliminate confusion, any mention in this article referring to Drawers means “boxlike compartments in furniture that can be pulled out and pushed in”.

I have a confession to make. Now maybe you are not into confessions, or maybe you just think it is strange that a person who most of you do not know would want to confess something here on these pages. But here goes…
I have drawers that I put my mail and magazines and clutter into.
Lots of them.
Oh, not just one drawer. Or two. I have multiple drawers, in multiple rooms. I have drawers for papers and magazines and mail in my kitchen, dining room, bedroom, utility room and office. I even bought a hutch a year ago with big drawers, just so I could hide my paper things when guests came over.
Now those of you who are “Tsk, tsking”… you can just as well stop reading and turn your attention to another interesting blog, because this one is not for you. This post is for those, like me, who have been known to hide, stuff, walk around and try to ignore things which can and should be uncovered, dealt with, noticed and sorted.
So, are you wondering why am I confessing this is a problem for me?
Well, there is a good grief analogy here in these lines. Grief and losses cause an onslaught of things, like a full mailbox, day after day to come crashing into our lives. To keep doing life, we may look for a way to store it, instead of dealing with it as it comes. If you have to do this for a time, do it. But eventually you’ll run out of places to hide it away.
Sometimes, when I am busy throwing stuff into those drawers I run into a problem. They are too full of things I need to sort out. Although some might say to “Just get rid of it all!” (which might appear easier)… I know I will miss out if I just dump everything. Would that be a simpler and quicker solution than sorting? Yes. But I make myself work at making the time and energy so that I can throw away the junk and keep the good stuff. There are treasures in those drawers.

Many of us stuff our feelings away when we are faced with the difficult emotions associated with grief. Sometimes we put happy and sad and angry and confused into our little piles and try to hide them away from the people in our lives. We might even try to hide them away from ourselves, because we are overwhelmed with life and this is a choice we make so we can cope with it. So we attempt to tidy up the counters of our lives, but giving the appearance of everything being in its place. But it’s not.. It’s not helpful to just keep finding new places to put the mess in.
We may need a reminder that those emotional drawers can only hold so much before they will hold no more. Sometimes we need to hear the crack of a drawer filled to overflowing which is threatening to break if we try to stuff one more thing into it. Sometimes we need to take the time to sit down and sort out what we’ve put there and still need to deal with. Sometimes we need to feel what we have tried not to feel.
It might be tempting to throw it all away. You, like me, might have even tried to do that a time or two. It doesn’t work, long term. More than likely you will miss the things you haphazardly threw out, or you’ll be forced to deal with the bills & correspondence at some point.
Hopefully, you have discovered, as I have, that we lose when we resort to stuffing emotions in order to give the appearance of being “okay”. We lose when we randomly try to get rid of emotions that might be sad or heavy, or seem worthless at the time. It is to our benefit if we contemplate what we feel and why. Then we can make good choices about what to do with our feelings. Doing something with our feelings is similar to doing something with the things in the drawers… We handle and touch them and acknowledge them as ours. We take out what the drawers hold and commit to not just find another drawer to stuff our emotions in. But it could be painful, and that might make us want to keep stuffing the emotions away.
Does it help to know that in the process of feeling and dealing with our losses we are given gifts along with the pain? We can learn how to celebrate what we can, while mourning what cannot be changed. We can learn to appreciate and notice what we have, and who we have in our life. We can come closer to being content in whatever situation we are in, as we look at what we can change and where we want to go in life, as we examine our choices. We can allow ourselves times of being a beautiful mess as we are in the process of the sorting and feeling and throwing away and keeping.
Many of the furniture drawers are still full at my house, both in reality and figuratively. But I, like many of you, am forced to do something with the ‘mail’ that grief has given me. I can deal with it now or later… the choice is mine. And time will help me, as long as I do not neglect the duty of being responsible to sort and feel and read my mail. If I get behind, I will have a more difficult time getting caught up.
Do you have drawers full of things you need to look at and sort? Is it overwhelming for you to think about starting such a task? Do you need a friend to do that with? We all may be surprised to find willing helpers standing by if we dare to ask for help. The truth is, many of our friends and family want to help, but don’t know what to do. All it might take is a request on our part to find encouragement as someone cares or tries to understand what we are going through as we spread our “mess” out on the table. Find someone who will help you. Though it may be a difficult task, the benefits are worth it, and you do not need to do it alone.

noreply@blogger.com (Jo Winkowitsch) — Tue, 20 Dec 2005 02:03:00 +0000

Good Grief… Help in dealing with your Grief
by Jo Winkowitsch, Dec. 2005

This is the 7th Christmas we will “celebrate” without our daughter Joslin. I can hardly believe that so much time has passed. I can hardly believe, sometimes, that I have survived, when my daughter did not. Those of you who have lost someone dear to you understand this. Others may not. What matters most is how you are doing this holiday season. It is a difficult time for those who are grieving.
Where are you in your grief journey? Is this your first Christmas without your loved one? If so, I want you to know that those of us who are further out remember the awfulness of that time. Most of us are willing to listen to your sadness, for we understand your longing for your loved one. Instead of wondering what present to buy, now you are wondering about how your loved one is, and where they are, and why they are gone, and whether they know what you are experiencing. You are missing their presence. And that will not change with time. But what will change is your ability to face the holidays without them. As time goes on, you will become more used to the missing times, and you will learn to cope better with the losses you face because someone will be missing at your home during the holidays.
If this is your second holiday season, your grief is likely different. You have survived the first Christmas, and you know how difficult those days can be. Reality has hit you full force, this past year, that the loss of your loved one is for the rest of you life. And that stinks. No, I mean it really stinks! So this year, when others think that you should maybe be “over it” or have gotten to a place where things will return to normal… consider letting them know that you will never be over it and that you have a new normal. Keep looking for what works for you, as you grieve and share your grief walk with others around you. Keep looking for people who you are free to share your sadness with, and yes, to share your precious memories with.
If your grief walk has been a longer one, you know that getting used to your loss is a one step forward, two steps back kind of dance. I hope and pray that this year brings you the ability to more fully celebrate the life and the love you were able to share with your dear one. I hope that you can reach out to other bereaved people who may need someone just like you to share their pain or joys with.
Joslin loved Christmas and made the season so much fun by her love of the splendor, the colors, the wrapping, the lights, the food, and the joy of giving. My Christmas is darker and sadder since she is gone… yet it also drives me to the Light of the world for more help and more light from Him. She would be glad for that… for the True Light brings meaning and purpose and joy and peace that the world cannot take away… Because I do believe there is Life outside of this life, I can go on… for however many Christmas times I am given to experience, according to God’s Story for my life. But I will continue to miss my sweet child. If you are reading this you likely understand.
I find myself more willing and able to think about and share memories of Joslin as I face another Christmas and another New Year without her. If you need a willing ear or someone to share your loss with, find someone who will listen. Talk to someone in your family, at your church, or look for a support group to help you deal with your grief and losses.
Try not to lock away your grief or just struggle to make the pain go away. I have met too many people who lost their loved one many years ago and the pain is still so intense when they try to talk about it, they cannot. I believe this happens because the pain is not allowed to come out when it presents itself. And I struggle, too, for those of you who wonder. Letting my emotions freely come out is often a very difficult thing for me. But I am continuing to learn how to be the beautiful mess God created me to be. I know that dealing with emotional "constipation" is not fun, so I try to make time for my sad to be expressed, so I don't have problems. (Please excuse the crude analogy. It works in my head).

Dear Reader,
Keep talking about and sharing the love you have, especially
concerning those special ones who won't be coming home for the Holidays.

And may you have a blessed, joy splattered, peace filled Christmas,
as you celebrate Life and live.

noreply@blogger.com (Jo Winkowitsch) — Fri, 16 Dec 2005 19:28:00 +0000

Pretending

by Jo Winkowitsch, mother always of Joslin…
born to earth on Jan. 23,1979 born to heaven on Sept. 14, 1999

I looked at your picture out of the corner of my eye the other day and caught a glimpse of you…"Oh, are you home already for Christmas?" I ask, pretending that it is so. And you answer, "Yes, Mom, I have shopping to do and I want to make some candy to bring to Val and Mary and you sure do need help with the decorating." I dialogued with you for awhile in my mind until the tears came…And then I remembered you were gone
as I looked around the empty room,
thanking God for you, and the years we had,
as I appreciated the Love we share...

Your niece and I were playing and she tossed her head and laughed and for just a minute I thought it was you. Although not as blonde and not as tall and not as thin...
I pretended she was you,
having tea with the toy cups in front of your little wooden kitchen,
as we sat on small chairs.
I thought of you and how you celebrated and enjoyed life…
No need to pretend that is true, for I do remember you.

I listened to a song that wondered what I sometimes wonder…
What would you have been like, dear Joslin, if you had survived?
I look at our family and see the hole your leaving has left us…
And the tears come again as I miss you and your effervescent glow.
I will keep pretending and remembering until I see you again.
It really isn’t enough, but it is all I have…

I cry because of all the things you never got to do and experience.
And I laugh as I think of you dancing on streets of gold with Jesus…
I am thankful, my beautiful child, for how you made me want to
live life to the FULL as I walked with you
while you learned how to live while facing your death…
I thank God as I remember the wonderful gift of you.

Happy Birthday, precious Joslin…
We will celebrate your life and mourn your death.
As always.
For you have made a difference in our lives.
And we remember…
Dec. 13,2005